If human civilization had a narrator it would just be some guy repeating “Little did they know…” over and over and over.
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My 7 year old has been asking a lot of questions this Christmas season and I’m worried that it might be the last year he believes that Bitcoin is real.
My 11 yo noticed my receding hairline and thought it was hilarious. Until I explained how heredity works.
Find someone who looks at you like Roger looks at a barbecue.
Feeling sad because my hamster died… Well he’s not ‘technically’ dead yet, but I ran out of food so it’s really just a matter of days.
I’m with North Korea when comes to being offended by James Franco and Seth Rogen.
Inventor of fridge door ice cube dispenser: Let’s consistently surprise them with an extra ice cube that randomly shoots out after they are done filling their glass.
*Awkward missed high fives around boardroom table*
I sleep with a knife under my pillow just in case someone breaks in my house with cake.
The thing that’s wrong with oatmeal raisin cookies is that they’re oatmeal raisin cookies.
Oh I’m heartbroken over you
Wait, no I was just thirsty, I’m fine
I might consider rejoining the Catholic church if the Pope knew karate. Otherwise forget it.
*leaves work early and pulls in to seedy 4 hours stay motel on the highway. Looks around to make sure no one sees*
Me: This is going to be so great.
*sleeps for 4 hours*
not to brag but i don’t need alcohol to send texts i’ll regret
*strips off clothes, stands on desolate highway holding sign saying “Last Naked Guy For 75 Miles”
Some of you act like your mom never went out of town and left you with a babysitter, but the babysitter died and you had to get a job as a fashion designer and become caretaker to your 4 siblings, all while you fell in love with the delivery guy from Clown Dog… and it shows.
“It was M. Day Shyamalan all along!” – The ultimate twist
“Are you the one who multiplies fishes?”
Why do eyes have little mustaches? And other things that vex me late at night.
#NeverForget
My daughter is pissed because I made her miss a forensics club meeting for a dentist appointment and the way she’s staring at me suggests that she’s plotting a way to use her forensic knowledge on me.
As I exposed my glorious chest hairs & catapulted toward the Velcro wall, I realized that I had no exit strategy.
If your mailbox isn’t made of tractor parts and your house doesn’t have a septic tank, you’re not allowed to like country music.
I don’t make the rules.
I’m just a girl,
sitting in her car,
wondering what the person I texted
“I’m in the cat” to,
is thinking right now.
They say if you love something you should let it go, but I don’t think this pastrami sandwich will come back to me, so I’m just eating it.
The boy is putting whipped cream on the cat. I think he may have overheard a conversation he didn’t understand quite so well.
My blood type is A+ because I’m the best at everything. Even at having blood.
when your ex needs to go to space about it, you won the divorce
Me: I want more
Dentist: excuse me?
Me: you know how you take teeth out?
Dentist: yea
Me: do that but the opposite
The ability of a morning phone call to trigger my anxiety speaks valiums
*young woman walks by
Wife: Wow, she looks really good, don’t you think?
Me: NO WAY, I’M NOT GOING TO FALL FOR THAT
Wife: What kind of pants should I wear on the boat?
Inventor of the Kayak: What if the boat WAS your pants?!