It’s called support maybe you’ve heard of I.T.
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Life in your 40’s:
Friend: Come on…have a drink with me, it’s Saturday night!
Me: No thanks, I have to work Tuesday.
Pro tip: Any pillow can be a throw pillow when you want to get your kids to stop whining.
*grabs your ankle from a storm sewer* if your barbie doll needs a hula hoop use an onion ring
Spanish for wife – “esposa”
Spanish for handcuffs – “esposas”
Well played, Spanish
I am waiting for the day we have a national scandal involving a gate
Don’t act like you miss sex now, you weren’t getting laid before either.
[hostage situation]
Any last words?
“Nah, I’m good.”
If you insist. *puts gun to head* Say you’re prayers.
“You are prayers. Lol.”
Nobody is more drunk with power than a 6-year-old telling Alexa to do anything.
God: Noah, I’d like to talk to you about the animals you have on the Ark
Noah: what’s wrong?
God: are you sure they aren’t all just dogs wearing different animal costumes
Noah: *with a dog sized elephant humping his leg* hahaha that’s crazy
CW: What’d you have for breakfast?
Me: A bowl of Oreos.
CW: Lol you mean Cherrios?
Me: No.
The worst time to find out your parents are dead is probably right after you’ve taken a large hit from helium balloon.
You have to be careful making self deprecating jokes on twitter. Because you say something like “oh my gosh I’m so ugly!” And people are like “yes. But we love you!” 😂🤣
me: *easily carrying 20 grocery bags* hi 😉
her: are those empty
i saw this and everything about it annoyed me so i’m posting it in hopes that it annoys you too
Not to brag but my son’s friend said “Your dad looks hot” when I was cleaning the pool. She followed with “Is that heat stroke?” but still.
“Ostriches can’t fly” said the totally racist stewardess who made me dismount my ostrich & board the plane on foot like a lowly commoner
Calling someone a drama queen is so negative. Why not “content creator”?
My whole life was a lie.
Boss: And this will be your desk. Make yourself at home
Me (pulling a rotisserie chicken from my purse & putting it on the desk): Thanks
if you wear a bikini top instead of a bra you can go out with wet hair & people will think you just went swimming which is athletic not lazy
I let my baby girl know she can do anything.
Except taking the bow out of her hair cuz IT’S REALLY CUTE AND SHE NEEDS TO LEAVE IT ALONE.
I don’t know about you but I always take the road less traveled because chances are I won’t run into stupid people.
I don’t like to insult women, but I’m not a big fan of my boyfriend’s other girlfriend.
Everyone asks me when I’m gonna start a family but no one asks me when I’m gonna stop a family
Me: “Can you please help me with my Tinder profile? I’m not having much luck”
My wife:
Weighing yourself is like the sex. It’s always best if you get naked first…
Seize the day. Repossess the evening. Impound last week. Forcibly confiscate the entire month of September.
Someone rang my doorbell twice this morning, so I guess I’m having lunch behind the couch.
Wife: [frantically searching kitchen] I can’t find my stir fry pans.
Me: looks like we need to go for a wok. lol.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: you hid them just to make that pun didn’t you?
Me: you butter believe it : )
Hey guys is your refrigerator running? Because I don’t like any of the current presidential candidates