The emailer who threatened LA schools claims to be “a Muslim extremist.”
That’s like a student signing his report card “Timmy’s Dad.”
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[opening birthday presents]
me: …is this another dead cat?schrödinger: *way too excited* we don’t know until you open it!
Springsteen: baby we were born to run
Springsadult: let’s just take a cab
*Approaches girl at bar*
Brain: Say you like her eyes. No, hair. Actually, go for eyes!
Me: You have lovely hairy eyes
Brain: My bad.
Next time someone comes over to hold my newborn I’m going to ask them to unload the dishwasher and put the laundry away first
Some dude called me a nerd so I hit him with my Quidditch broom
if you’re ever waiting on a venmo from me, it’s not because i don’t have the money it’s because i can’t think of something funny to write as the caption
(second date)
me: [eager to show off new tattoo] remember how you said you liked garlic bread
If I ever get kidnapped, my plan is to just talk non-stop about Lost until they see that I’m very annoying, and they return me to safety.
You mean ‘idiosyncrasies’ doesn’t mean two or more idiots doing the same thing at the same time?
The scene where Indiana Jones swaps the bags and runs from a boulder but it’s me trying to eat a cookie without my kid seeing me
No one:
My brain: the word ‘platitude’ kinda just sounds like a platypus with an attitude
so we’ve been wondering why our daughter insists on inserting the short end of the bendy straw into the juice carton. today, she explained her reasoning
A haunted house but for awkward interactions. Someone pops out at you and you’re like “nice to meet you” and they’re like “haha actually we’ve already met”
How did the date go?
-Not good.
Aww what went wrong?
-*thinks back to accidentally popping a zit into her soup* She just wasn’t my type.
i’m all for human rights and shit, but if you’re on a tour in a factory and decide to wander off, it should be legal for the floor workers to hunt you for sport
me: got any weekend plans?
me: gonna get chubby
me: yah me too
This is the most 2017 thing I’ve ever seen.
No one will question your alcoholism if you always propose a toast before drinking.
I am always reminded of how much I am needed as a mother and wife the exact second I sit down on the toilet.
*First Date*
Me: I really like what you tried to do with what’s left of your hair.
20: omg my life is going to be so aweso—
40: wtf just happened
Wife: Can I have one of your french fries?
Me: No, I don’t have that many.
My dog: Can I have one?
Me: OMG yes. Here, take them all.
Me: 🎵 mama
My Mom: hi son
Me: 🎵 just killed a man
My Mom: new phone who dis
I am doomed ! My eight year god daughter borrowed my beard trimmers and removed her long blonde hair whilst I was making custard. Her parents do not pick her up until tomorrow lunch time. She is happy as Larry, actually looks good with a crew cut. I am doomed
Hubs: * Hands me a broom* Make yourself useful
Me: Flies away
Me: SORRY I HAVE TO HANG UP I’M HEADING INTO A TUNNEL
* hangs up land-line *
Next time someone leaves an empty shampoo bottle in the shower, I’m filling it with pancake syrup.
I called the fire dept to get my cat out of a tree and they said they don’t do that so I told them them he had a lighter.
Him: If you could have dinner with any people, living or dead, who would you choose?
Me: All the dead ones
i need one of those jobs they have in sitcoms where it pays my rent but interferes with exactly zero of my social plans or situations