My husband joined me in the shower this morning. Can’t a gal eat a breakfast burrito in peace?
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MISSING CAT❗️
-Answers to the name “Chancellor Parsons” which is really aggravating because we named him Mittens.
I miss that time in my life when people asked easy questions, like “What’s your favorite color?” or “Where is your belly button?”.
Hot-cross buns!
Hot-cross buns!
One a penny, two a penny,
Hot-cross buns!– I’ll have two then please.
Seems a bit forward
I hate these new video games that make you talk to other characters. The fact I hate conversations is the reason I’m playing video games.
My dream job is to be a gargoyle spitting rainwater away from the foundation of a cathedral
I don’t think it is fair God plays for the Seahawks, seems like an unfair advantage.
Marriage Tip: If your husband is watching golf, show him you’re interested by repeatedly asking “why doesn’t our lawn ever look that nice?”
Frogs always look like they just found out there’s no free Wi-Fi.
[laying in bed]
wife: Did you remember to find a stud before you hung the TV up?
me: Yes
*sound of TV crashing to the floor*
me: No
I can claim not to have a best-loved child but one of my kids just said his first favorite thing is cleaning and his second favorite is reading so you know I am lying if I deny it
[being chased through the woods by a murderer]
Me: I CAN’T BELIEVE THIS IS HAPPENINGMurderer: What?
Me *showing him my Fitbit* I’ve done 10,000 steps
Murderer: omg lemme check mine
I read an article today about a cat who saved his owner’s life. I’m still trying to teach mine not to vomit hairballs on my bed.
I hope Obama spends the last 2 years of his term replying to all the tweets we’ve sent him.
12 Signs You Might Have Leprosy – Number 8 is jaw-dropping!
All those years of karate training wasted …
I’ve never once had to paint a fence or wax a car ….
Star Wars VII: the force awakens
Star Wars VIII: the force goes out to play
Star Wars IX: goodnight force
It hurts? That’s the body’s way of showing you it’s healing.
It doesn’t hurt? That’s the body’s way of showing you it’s healing.
– Doctors
I saw my shadow today. You won’t see that on the evening news because I’m not a stupid fuzzy animal
“Remember Robert from work?”
Yeah..he was a douche.
“He died.”
WHAT?!? OMG..He was such a nice guy!
(saying something slightly ambiguous on the internet) ah i could’ve phrased that better but i’ll probably get the benefit of the doubt from thousands of strangers who only come here to get pissed off
Wife (to our teen): Can you unload the dishwasher?
Teen: See, this is why I don’t come down here
$175 an hour, $175 an hour…
– my therapist’s notes
What’s it like to work in customer service/retail?
Imagine there’s a race of people called customers.
Now imagine you’re a huge racist.
A dead goose is called a ghoost
Everyone is fighting a battle (with goblins) that you know nothing about (because you failed a perception check)
[Alien Vs Predator]
alien: feeling pretty unwelcome in this country lately
predator: oh man look at those cute kids over there
A Starbucks was robbed at gunpoint this afternoon. The culprits are still at venti.
It’s the anniversary of Tetris. We should have a block party.
Her: (Sigh) How did you burn the Thanksgiving Turkey?
Me: I followed the directions. 20 minutes a pound at 325 degrees. I weigh 175 pounds!