@TheBoydP: The end of the month is like stubbing your little toe in the dark. You’re probably broke and there’s nothing you can do about it.
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@RelatableQuote: How to break up with someone: You: Your ex is attractive. Partner: Which one? You: ME. You: BYEEEE
@tastefactory: HOUSE: I had dreams but no I'll just stay here & let u live in me, fine whatever WIFE: Did u hear something ME: It's just the house settling
@100DollarChill: *Lysol kills 99.9% of germs on my counter* LYSOL: "Hey .1% germs... ( -_-)>⌐■-■ (⌐■_■) Tell your friends"
@TheSharona06: [Divorce court] Her: I found his Twitter account. I want a divorce. Judge: He was cheating? Her: No, he was doing inspirational tweets.