[Starbucks intercom]
“Will the man that ordered the Skinny Cinnamon Dolce Latte please pick up your drink. No one is looking.”
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UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP*looking for condom in my “Beat It” zipper jacket*
I use these ( … ) a lot.
For which, I believe, the technical term is Dotty Dot Dots.
Important question of the day:
Are centaurs technically insects?
They’ve got a sort of segmented body and have six limbs so…
It’s impossible to have an *ok* time on a trampoline. It’s either the most fun you’ve ever had or you go to the hospital.
I knock on the refrigerator door before opening it, just in case there’s a salad dressing in there.
My dentist says it’s ok to open stuff with your teeth and that flossing is “the next big scam.” He’s at my house today for a surprise checkup/to ask if he can park a car in my backyard for a few weeks “until the heat dies down.” His rates are very affordable.
[at my funeral]
*casket falls onto the floor*Mum: that’s the quickest I’ve ever seen him move
Dad: lol owned
[at quick clinic]
Nurse: (sarcastically) Is it okay if I check your temperature?
Me: Come on, I can’t be the only person that’s refused to be weighed.
My family keeps throwing sweaters in the laundry basket like we wash those.
Whenever I see a new couple on a date I walk up to their table, hold up my phone and tell the guy “You’re Wife Sarah says hello”.
*Arrives in Hell*
Devil: Here, help these 5th graders with common core math
A coven of witches with grandkids who call themselves the PentaGrans.
Thanks for following.
eats a dozen doughnuts…
*checks for flabs*
Why hasn’t there been a blind dating show where they just try each others cooking first?
I’m gonna make a alternate account so I can catfish myself. I know what I like so I may fall for it
6: Is google a number? My friend told me it was
Me: No buddy, it’s not, your friend doesn’t know anything
Husband: Actually, googol IS a number so who’s the one who doesn’t know any-
Me:
H: Your mom is very smart
I only want to be cremated if they use real cream.
Why are so many people going everywhere whenever I have to go anywhere?
As a child, ‘The Jetsons’ gave me unrealistic expectations for the future: like having a wife who loves me & owning a dog.
It’s okay bowel syndrome, I am irritable too.
Jurassic Park is my favorite movie about how humans get on everybody’s nerves.
Tom Cruise still does his own stunts at 55 and I just pulled a muscle reaching for the toilet paper…
Who called it a “backpack” and not, “the sexiest way to deliver bees to an ex.”
Call me old fashioned, but I never cry in front of another man unless it’s to get out of a speeding ticket…
*Big Bad Wolf sees 3 little pigs planning to build houses of straw, lumber and brick
*buys stock in Home Depot
How did the date go?
-Not good.
Aww what went wrong?
-*thinks back to accidentally popping a zit into her soup* She just wasn’t my type.
I remember when hashtag meant it was your turn to fill the pipe.
“Weltengesichtpfeifenschuldigung” is the German word for “accepting as a fact something you’ve just been told without bothering to check”.
This Xmas, remember there are people less fortunate than you. People who can’t sleep diagonal, people sharing a bed, people who are married.
Sometimes, I just want to be taken seriously. And sometimes, I just want to be taken, seriously.