Rented a Bowflex machine because it was the path of leased resistance.
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[dinner w/friends]
“How long you two been married?”
It’s been thirt- (wife shaking head)
teenish twenty- (still shaking)
for a long time.
Indiana Jones: [screaming as his hand is crushed under a door] ARRGGHHH! WHY? WHY DID I REACH FOR MY HAT? I OWN SO MANY HATS!!
Sometimes my 5yo asks profound questions and other times he asks me if our garbage bin is big enough to fit a whole cow
“GRAAAAAAIIIINNNNS” — Vegetarian Zombie
Seize the day! by its legs and lock it in chains. Hold a mock trial, find the day guilty. Behead the day. Bury the day in a nameless grave.
Parenting is panicking when your kids are loud, and panicking when they’re quiet
One time I had an MRI and the neurologist said I had a nice looking brain and every time I have a good idea I think of this.
Your honor? My client would like to address the court and ruin everything.
WIFE: It’s either me or th-
ME: He has name
WIFE: OR the goose.
ME: Say it.
WIFE:…
ME: Say his name.
WIFE:…
ME: Why won’t you love Tom Honks
When I first heard about it, I thought pickleball was some weird food at the state fair.
Reached the stage of parenting where I just found a garlic press in the shower and I didn’t even want to ask why.
i told a rich person that i think we should raise the minimum wage and they were like “raise the minimum wage? what’s next?? lower the maximum wage!?!” and it’s like actually, now that you mention it, that’s not a bad idea
The check engine light could be more specific…is it ‘holy shit stop the car right now’ or ‘proceed with caution for the next 6000 miles’?
Awwwww shit.
[hospital]
DOCTOR: Your wife signed a DNR
ME: I’m here for a sprained ankle
DOCTOR: She insisted
DATE: So tell me about yourself
ME: My brain sturdy like large oak table
DATE: Ok
Kids nowadays don’t know how easy they have it with their Google, back in my day, we all thought the lyrics to Informer were “Informah, yaknowfeyameeeblaaan, a lickyboomboomdowwwn” and we just had to accept it.
Y’know who else threw the bubble-wrap away without popping all the bubbles?
Hitler
DOCTOR: I have bad news
MAN WHO WOKE UP FROM 5 YR COMA: I don’t mind as long as I get to see my favorite gorilla from the Cincinnati zoo
Sometimes the last thing people hear before they’re murdered is the sound of their pen that they won’t stop clicking.
Pretty telling how high and mighty my mother has become since she no longer needs help setting the VCR clock.
Guess who taught himself how to open the rice cooker and woke me up by screaming in between mouthfuls of hot rice
I sexually identify as a hand grenade
Give a man a fish, he eats today.
Teach a man to fish, he gets drunk in a boat.
Cop: There’s been another break in at the bakery.
Swan: I wouldn’t know anything about it.
Cop: *hands him a bread roll*
Swan: Word at the pond is that ducks did it, but you didn’t hear it from me.
BF overheard me listening to the “Thank U, Next” video and asked “Is she saying ‘bacon, eggs’?” so that is how I will be singing this song from now on, thank you.
If you see a woman sitting alone eating a kale salad just leave her and her sadness alone
Terrifying if taken literally – if these walls could talk.
GOOD COP: We can do the easy way…
BAD COP: Or the hard way.
UNDERCOVER COP: [muffled] Guys, get under the covers with me! It’s so cozy and I have a flashlight and comic books under here!
People give a detailed description to a police sketch artist after seeing someone for only a few seconds.
Meanwhile I’m 65% sure my wife has green eyes.