#GettingOldMeans if I drop a pen on the ground it stays on the ground. Bending down is a young man’s game.
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When you decorate your whole house for Christmas, what you’re really saying is “I’m not going to dust for at least a month.”
If a woman wears a ponytail holder on her wrist at all times that means she’s always down to pull her hair back and fight you.
Therapist: Do u ever feel like hurting yourself
Me: No
T: What about other people
Me:……………………………………………..No
I always wanted to run a pharmacy and put “Seriously, TMI” on all the receipts.
Don’t know if it’s the cape, the boom box or the telescope, but it’s getting so a guy can’t even bbq on his roof without attracting attention.
don’t talk to me or my son or my son’s son or my son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s s
Good Cop: If you tell us where the money is we can help you.
Bag Cop: *majestically floats around the interrogation room on AC currents*
So, is Dora 18 yet, or what? Asking for a friend.
Every time someone says “it’s a vibe” I wish there were loopholes where murder was legal.
My neighborhood is having a meeting tonight about the crazy naked lady and I’m the only one not invited. Weird.
GOD: I call those trees and plants
ANGEL: very beautiful
GOD: ya I’m gonna make some people allergic to them
ANGEL: dude who hurt you
me: good morning, Linda
Linda, my co-worker who backpacked through Europe: Not as nice as the sunrises you can see looking out from Venice
Boss: what should we call the lower cabinet in the corner that swivels?
Bonnie (who hates Susan): I have an idea.
Underwear…
Because every present needs to be wrapped.
[treading water in the ocean with my pet porcupine]
Me: we’ll just have to find another life raft, Jabby
*reading news story about how great some guy is* wow this guy sounds great *reading further* oh no, he’s a bomber and he’s dead
You got this…
I always carry a red Sharpie on me in case I have to draw blood.
I figure soon we will be grounding our children by sending them outside to play
Resistance training
But me dragging my kids into school.
Run yourself luxurious baths, while you’re still young and fit to climb in and out!
interviewer: what can u bring to the firm
me: [places a tiny cactus on desk & smiles]
interviewer: I meant like clients
me: [removes cactus]
Pee after storming area 51 or else youll get a ufo
Went on a date once.
He ordered for me, “She’ll have a small side salad.”
I said, “Yes, and a side of sirloin and a loaded baked potato.”
🐕🍷
Always be careful when you drink and laugh 🤣
My girlfriend told me I was getting sex today. Oops. I better not jinx it.
*knocks on morning wood*
they should put mayonnaise in a spray bottle and called it sprayonnaise. lol the government allows me to vote
I asked what I could bring for Thanksgiving this year and my mom said it was up to me so I’m bringing a wireless router.
me: [answers phone in meeting] “this better be important”
wife: “i think we’re having a baby”
me: [sighs] “you told me that 9 months ago”