The English language lacks a word to mean “To make a spouse feel uncomfortable by aggressively cleaning the house around them”.
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I don’t trust anyone who bikes to work for reasons other than a DUI
[opens car door for wife]
WIFE: Please stop doing that on the freeway
[Beautiful woman doing bench press at the gym]
HER: four… five… *struggling* a little help please
ME: six
all my demons came for free. these must be organic.
they probably named the Rocky mountains first and then saw all the other mountains and were like “oh”
Coaxing one piece of costume jewelry at a time off my toddler as she sighs and weeps like a disgraced aristocrat pawning her jewels to save the family estate
Autocarrot sucks!
Officer- I’m giving you a ticket for your speed
Me- That’s heroin
Officer-…
Me- Want some?
Officer-…
Me- Oooh, shiny handcuffs
The first sin in the Bible was eating an apple. The second was murder. That escalated quickly.
ME: (sitting by a roaring fire) Isn’t this romantic?
WIFE: Your crocs are melting.
And The Bro saith unto them,
Follow me to the club,
and I will make you fishers of women.Bromans 4:19
People who live in glass houses probably have a lot of squeegees.
Have your children help with daily chores if you want them to gain confidence and self efficacy also if want to accomplish nothing and go clinically insane.
My mum has asked for ‘bath stuff’ for Christmas so I’ve bought her a toaster.
“Please don’t do this,” I beg, as the hairdresser tries to start up another conversation.
i was just introduced to a toddler name Frank.
i realize now that i didn’t mentally prepare myself for this possibility.
Her: but why aren’t the candles ON the cake?
Me: it’s not a birthday cake, Denise. it’s a summoning tart.
They should put a statue of me next to the Statue of Liberty so immigrants know the American Dream is hit or miss.
me: dentist said the kids have the plague
wife: plaque
me: yes a memorial would be good
I’m a hiring manager with a team of nine. Two are called Tom. I recently interviewed a candidate for my team. He was almost perfect but I can’t hire him because he is also called Tom and two Tom’s are enough.
Them: I’ll see you in court!
Me: Never![in court]
Me: (enters in head-to-toe camouflage]
The alarm clock has the best job in the world. It wakes up, sends everyone to work, and goes back to sleep.
[emailing eHarmony match]
Her: describe yourself
Me: brown hair, kinda stalky
Her: lol you mean stocky
Me [through her bedroom window]: No
According to all these “note to self” sticky notes I am a very forgetful person also I have no idea what these notes mean
operators are standing by to ignore your call
I like to reassure my wife that even though I don’t have big muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.
hot girls stay up late just so they can finally have some alone time
Just spent a week building a time machine. That’s seven days of my life I’m going to get back.
[College admissions office]
“Sorry sir you can’t transfer your street cred for college credits”
ME: that’s wack
INTERVIEWER: Do you have any references?
ME: I find your lack of faith disturbing.
INTERVIEWER: What?
ME: *leans in really close* That’s a Star Wars reference.