@ItsAndyRyan: The English language lacks a word to mean "To make a spouse feel uncomfortable by aggressively cleaning the house around them".
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@ohen39: [at the mall] santa: have you been naughty or nice this year? me: *stops smiling and gets off santa's lap* I want my lawyer.
@daemonic3: Mr. Trump, who's your Secretary of State? TRUMP: To deal with China, one that speaks Mandarin [remembers to appeal to women] or Womandarin
@babyblue0924: I'm really glad my dog doesn't tell anyone about the conversations we have together. Then people would really think I'm crazy.
@ValeeGrrl: Shoutout to moms leaving long birthday notes to their kids on social media when their child is both illiterate and not on social media.