don’t be scared
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The Three Little Pigs use the money from their life story to build the ultimate house.
being a liberal is all fun and games until you need a friend with a truck
Wanna know what it’s like being married? Chain yourself to a wild animal. Now kick the animal.
Spring is finally here. Time to clean the dog shit in the yard.
My eldest daughter is gifted. Next Christmas she’ll be getting regifted.
Nothing snaps a woman into full blown CSI mode faster than an unfamiliar ponytail holder in her car.
I read my daughter a book about a Frogapotamus last night and dreamt of riding one. Tonight I’m reading her Hugh Jackman’s autobiography.
The strongest cat exists. Somewhere a cat is walking around, completely oblivious that it is stronger than all the other cats.
My kids both made it into college despite the fact I helped them with their math homework.
When Al Pacino was young he was all the Beatles at once.
all ramen noodles come from one impossibly long noodle of disputed origins. no one knows how much is left or what will happen when it’s gone
i hate workimg at the lightbulb factory!! evrey day i hav to thimk of good ideas so they can harvest the lightbulbs that apear abov my head
Noah’s flood = God clearing his browser history
The chicken mask stays on during chicken shopping
Due to market uncertainty my wife asked if we should move around our money and I agreed.
I jiggled the change in my pocket.
*watching the villains on the moon in Superman II*
Daughter: Are they the first to land there?
Me: No – Neil before Zod
Almost broke up with my therapist on the spot when she said she had never seen Ratatouille. How could she possibly help me she knows nothing
Rat warning in Hong Kong is the best rat warning of all time.
I talk a lot of shit for someone who still uses their fingers to count.
The best place on the internet is the reviews of hats for cats because every review is like “5 stars, amazing hat” and then a picture of the cat looking absolutely furious
He held up my pants and said “Are you sure these are yours? They look small. You can fit in these??”
Judge: Not guilty. You’re free to go.
doctor: god you’re unhealthy
me: we haven’t started the check-up
doctor: ya i just found your insta
Apparently there’s enough room in my mouth to put more than one foot.
If you throw a pot of boiling spaghetti at someone’s face and it sticks, it’s done.
I’m just saying, if an oven can clean itself, why can’t a microwave?
It costs over $235,000 for parents to raise a child today. And that’s just for the alcohol.
Legit call from the school:
Principal: I just wanted to touch base with you. Your daughter was baiting seagulls into the playground with gummy worms and actually caught one; Like in her arms. It did bite her—not hard, but I needed to inform you that we filed an incident report
[A pair of crocs sitting on a riverbank]
Why do you think people hate us so much?
“Idk. I blame the idiots who wear us with socks.”
You never see zombies lying around being lazy, so maybe we should EMBRACE the possibility of a zombie apocalypse. I think it could turn some of us into real go-getters.
For $100 I will FaceTime you in scrubs on Thanksgiving and pretend to be your boyfriend that couldn’t make it because he had to work in the hospital