Tonight I yelled, “YOU ARE NOT A ZOMBIE. YOU ARE DOING HOMEWORK,” so everything’s pretty normal here.
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(whispering to my tv remote after i put new batteries in it) as soon as somethin else in the house needs batteries im gona take these from u
“You’re acting weird.”
First of all, I’m not acting
[on phone with mom]
SHE SAID YES!!!!
“congrats, son”
I asked her if she thought I was weird
“Wait what?”
She thinks I’m weird. We broke up
Anyone know how soon I should start roasting our Christmas turkey so I can be sure it will be nice and dry enough in time for the big day?
You call it armed robbery, I call it people giving me gifts to celebrate my new gun!
[car in front of me stops to turn, forcing me to slow down slightly]
ME: I hate you
me: i like baseball.
man: oh yeah, who hit the 2nd farthest minor league home run during the 1918 season
It took me 13 years but I finally deleted most of my e-mails.
I accidentally confused Star Trek with Star Wars and some kid threatened to cut me with his Virgin card.
If you put healing crystals in a sock and beat someone with it do they cancel each other out?
If you do ever have the opportunity to ride a tandem bicycle by yourself, find a crowded bike path and scream at the top of your lungs “ARE YOU EVEN PEDALING, JANET!?”
> be 28
> mom tells me to get a job
> put on Braveheart face paint
> run into kitchen
> scream FREEDOM
> mom tells me to get a girlfriend
me: [waiting in line at the bank]
other bank robber: “keith just go to the front”
If you love something, let it go. But if you love two things, space them out. For example, let a koala go at least three days before a lion.
I used to wrap all of my teen brother’s Christmas gifts in Victoria’s Secret boxes, which was a great conversation starter when he had friends over.
Introverted vegans go meetless
Corona Virus explained in craft terms: you and 9 friends are crafting. 1 is using glitter. How many projects have glitter?
I don’t always sit on a throne of lies, but when I do it’s while searching the cupboards with my child for a snack I know I ate.
Is your posture perfect? Consider a life of crime. No one suspects the upright citizen.
Not just pizza, pineapple also belongs in spaghetti & meatballs
Hey girl, Did you fall from heaven? Because it looks like you landed on your face.
so people are okay with batman wearing a cape but when i do it i “need to put my hospital gown on the right way”
Sleeping In A Car By Age:
12 And Under: Very cool
13-17: Kinda weird but not that big of a deal
18+: Uh-Oh
Me: My golf distance is improving. You should see how far I can get my clubs down the fairway now.
Friend: Ball. You mean ball, right?
Me: No.
Will Smith: Here come the Men in Brown.
UPS Guy: You can just sign for your delivery?
{swallowed by a whale}
Me: gross. It’s so-
Whale: don’t you say it
Me: MOIST. I said it’s MOIST in YOUR MOUTH!!!
Whale: *throws me up*
I have a coworker with the same first name as me, and my boss is always talking about sending him on trips or assigning him projects, and it makes me anxious even though I know he’s not talking about me.
I bet Beyoncé doesn’t have this problem.
I shot a man in Reno,
Just to watch him cry.It was just a Nerf gun you big baby!
I think we’ve officially regressed back to medieval peasants. All we do is bake bread, revolt, and avoid plagues