Just saw a fully functional phone booth with an intact yellow pages; so, yeah, I know a thing or two about time travel.
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Bored, go into a fitting room wait a couple minutes then yell, “where’s the toilet paper”
Women have closets full of ‘I have nothing to wear.’
Lifehack: Save your gently used pistachio shells to throw at weddings in lieu of expensive rice!
Doctor: “You are gonna hear the pitter-patter of tiny feet.”
Kim: “I’m pregnant?!”
Doc: “No-”
*a tiny monkey walks in*
“This is my nurse.”
[1st date]
HER: I love autumn, it’s my favorite season
ME: [trying to impress] Yes, I love the way the leaves just… autumn off the trees
First they make you step on the scale, and then they announce your weight out loud. It’s like the assistants at the doctor’s office don’t know anything about women.
I will never refer to ‘drunk me’ or ‘sober me’ because that implies the second one exists.
Not now ex-boyfriend. Someone favorited 2 of my tweets. I’m a huge deal around there now & you lost your chance. Just kidding. What time?
Not sure which is more mortifying, the dog bringing your dirty panties to the repairman or the repairman balling them up and throwing them for her.
Boys get 1 polo shirt and wear it till the horse dies!!
My 8yo daughter said people are hoarding toilet paper so they can hug it and use it as a stress reliever, and my 6yo son said that it’s more likely they’re all making forts out of toilet paper to protect them from COVID-19. Idk… forts, probably.
A woman saying “I’m not mad at you” is like a dentist saying “You won’t feel a thing.”
I’d get down on my knees and pitch my gardening skills but I don’t want to sell myself short.
The unused seconds from all the microwaves get added to the lifespan of Betty White.
My clothes aren’t wrinkled i have an iron deficiency.
DATE: I’m just looking for someone who goes with the flow, you know? Someone chill.
ME: [has a small panic attack whenever a shop assistant asks if I’m looking for anything in particular] *nods*
you idiots are out here getting your wisdom teeth removed. me? i am having more added. where did you think yours were going? that’s right, my mouth. i have 107 wisdom teeth now. my wisdom has never been higher. i am realizing for the first time that this was not a good idea
[ opening music ]
scientist: try not to give each other the zombie virus
everyone: lol
[ roll credits ]
Everytime I see an odd screw on the floor somewhere I think one of my loose ones has finally come out.
Going to keep letting animals bite me until I get super powers.
Me: How do you like your new bed?
Dog: I love it, it was delicious!!
Me: What?
Dog: Wut
Sometimes all you need,
is 500 million dollars.
who called it a palindrome and not a palindnilap
[Speed date]
Me: How many taco trucks are in close proximity to your house?
Him: I uh… I don’t…
Me: NEXT
my dad is heart reacting pics of my mom that he himself sent in the family group chat
*Do not consume if seal is broken*
I’ve just gone through this whole box of animal crackers and haven’t found one seal.
I curse you with throw pillows that explode into more throw pillows every time you throw them.
Sell your car
Don’t know how anybody can hate on lazy people, we didn’t even do anything.
My wish is for all women to love and accept their bodies but also for my body to be objectively the best even tho I’ll be v humble about it