The Exorcist (1973): a child is possessed by a demon. Hilarity ensues.
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God, creating dogs: make them smart
Angel: how smart
God: capable of saving lives but incapable of turning around if they walk around a tree with their leash on
Tell a woman she has cute kids and she’s all proud.
Whisper it to her and she calls the cops.
Cashier: do you want cash back?
Me: I mean who wouldn’t. There’s ring of fire, I walk the line. Let’s not forget his christmas album
[picks up scalp massager]
Me: what’s this thing called
Store Clerk: that’s a head scratcher
Me: well take a guess my man
Everyone: Why don’t you have kids?
*points to dead cactus*
I’m waiting to board my flight at the airport and I just saw a woman finish her book, stand up and angrily throw it in the bin.
Sorry the edible underwear weren’t edible anymore by the time you tried to eat them. It was a long drive to your apartment.
Me: Can you recommend books to me?
Librarian: Sure, they’re great
“That looks interesting. I think I’ll eat it.” – Sharks and Toddlers
On a recent tour of my son’s college, the guide walked us up 5 flights of steep stairs because she didn’t think the 4 of us should share an elevator. I’m pretty sure the extreme shortness of breath my husband and I had, at the top, confirmed her concern for protecting our heath.
Clark Kent is such a hipster.
He has fake glasses, still uses phone booths, & prides himself as being the only one who hasn’t seen Superman
FYI –
Lisa on FB has cramps but is still going to yoga.I’ll keep you all posted.
I’m doing it doggy style today. Lying on the couch not doing a damn thing. I will bark if you knock on the door.
Thank God I never know what anyone is talking about
Single in your 20s: help your friends move
Married w/kids in your 40s: help your friends haha jk you don’t have friends
I watched my wife listen to our youngest son describe how another boy was mean to him and saw her explain to him how to deal with it peaceably while plotting in her head a murderous rampage of the boy’s entire family.
ME: i would like to open a checking account
BANKER: would you like a savings account too?
ME: no
BANKER: okay, just checking
Just found the worst page in the entire dictionary. What I saw was disgraceful, disgusting, dishonest, and disingenuous.
Egyptians did pretty well for a civilization that wrote entirely in emoji.
Me: My neighbor who’s a doctor said it’s healthy to sleep nude
Friend: What type of dr?
Me: Optometrist I guess. He has lots of binoculars
When a guy asks me for pics, I send pics of Margaret Thatcher.
Why doesn’t every mistake in real life I make have a squiggly red line underneath it?
[Job Interview]
Sir, it says here you’re part of a small group of criminals that primarily kills interviewersoohhhhmygod
[new guy gets shown around the office]
Me: Hi, I’m Dave
New guy: oh are you the Dave who loves cycling or the Dave who makes up random facts in the hope nobody will check them out?
Me: no, I’m the Dave whose grandfather invented suitcases
[eating a foot long sub]
*spits out tiny periscope*
For cardio I live beyond my means.
[elevator]
“Wanna buy a spoon?”
Huh, no, why?
[elevator slowly fills with pudding]
[opens briefcase filled with spoons]
[sheepishly] Yes.
Biden: I took a Staples red button & wrote “Nukes” on it
Obama: Joe!
Biden: Tweets to him in Russian when pressed
Day 2 of my diet
Lake Superior really needs to lose the attitude.