The Exorcist was probably the worst workout video ever.
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if coconuts give us coconut milk AND coconut water then why do we only have cow milk. where is the cow water
Kid: What’s this?
Me: A napkin holder
K: What’s a napkin?
M: You wipe your hands on it when they’re dirty
K: You mean like the couch?
M: …
Laugh, and the world laughs with you…
Keep saying “LOL” out loud, and you’ll die alone.(For Judy in Accounting)
Every time you think Florida can’t top itself. BAM!
Hollywood hasn’t remade Spiderman in a couple weeks. I hope they’re okay.
After having received my free sample of winter, I would like to cancel my subscription please
Start yelling “DON’T FORGET!” when saying goodbye to people so that they panic about what they’re supposed to be remembering
ME: people only use 10% of their brains
FRIEND: that’s an urban legend
ME: no it’s not. my grandma told it to me, and she lives on a farm
People whose TL is only quotes from famous people—You do realize you’re not a desk calendar, right?
Billion dollar idea: Meth with Flouride
My daughter is taking a bath and asking me to bring her Camping Barbie and every time I present a Barbie to her she says “No, CAMPING Barbie.” She is growing frustrated. I don’t know what to do. All of the Barbies are naked.
“Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” – crickets (translated)
I’m southern, healthy eating to me is having my potatoes mashed and not fried
Waiting for the local donut park to open 🙂
It’s like my cat doesn’t realize my retirement plan involves him doing something interesting enough to be famous on the Internet.
UK English: colour, realise, marvellous
US English: color, realize, marvelous
Canadian English: All of the above are correct. We will use both in the same article and its useless to try and stop us, spellcheck softwares.
I eat my sandwich over a piece of bread, so when stuff falls out…BOOM! another sandwich.
Not many quicksand-related deaths since the 1970s.
Thank god the authorities got that nightmare under control.
Dragon fire can’t melt stone pillars. King’s Landing was an inside job.
-Guess I’m thankful for that patron who always asks for a bunch of things that don’t exist and always ends up getting mad at us.
-The guy who just called and said he’d be here in ten minutes? Why in the world does he make you feel thankful?
-Because I go on break in five minutes.
The great thing about having a mouse in your house is that I’m sure it’s just the one mouse probably.
I don’t even check my bank account no more. I just swipe my card and if it’s god’s will money will be debited
My daughter was giving me major attitude so I asked her if she’s seen Rapunzel and she said yes and I said keep it up and you’ll be locked in your room like that tower until your hair grows that long.
My patience has stretch marks.
I have strict instructions to my husband that upon my death he has to put that “in memory of my beautiful wife” sticker on the back of his car or I’ll haunt him forever.
But who am I kidding? I’m going to haunt him regardless.
Teen horror movies taught me one thing. Vampires really want to hang around with us.
While assembling new desks at my kids’ school this afternoon another dad gave me unsolicited instructions on how to use an allen wrench. I’m not sure if I should be insulted that he thinks I’m an idiot or flattered that he thinks I can afford real furniture.
i made my dad a beetloaf and he tried to run me over with his van
Welcome to parenthood: where the laundry basket is always full and the threats are always empty.
Growing out my freckles.