The expression should be “seeing things eyes to eyes”. Otherwise you’re suggesting a meeting of the minds between Cyclops
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20s: Rage Against The Machine
30s: Rage Against Literally Everything
Just did a seductive hair flip and an onion ring flew out.
*putting wrinkle cream on my crow’s feet*
HOLD STILL, MR. VANDERBEAK!
The 5 second rule doesn’t apply when you drop the last m&m in the bag. If it takes an hour to find it, so be it.
I hate hipsters. Their smug faces, vegan diet, tiny feet & sawdust bedding. No wait. Hamsters. I hate hamsters.
My wife and I were happy for 24 years. Then we met.
What if your dog speaks French and this whole time has been asking you for some beef?
me: i’ve started seeing someone
therapist: as in dating or like hallucinations
Just once I want to wake up to something exciting.
*Wakes up next to spider crawling on pillow.
I hate when I drop my chili cheese dog in my car and then I have to eat my whole car.
Kylo Ren: I am your father.
Rey: We’re roughly the same age. You’re just copying everything Vader said.
Kylo Ren: NOOOOOOOOOOO!!!
Something touched my leg while in the ocean and apparently I can walk on water now
“Ice, Ice, Baby, Vanilla, Ice, Ice, Baby.” – Worst cocktail recipe ever
“and you are November’s PM yes?”
I love getting phone calls telling me I won a prize for a contest I didn’t enter 🙄
I’m going to bed and my hair looks amazing; I feel like the woman in every mattress commercial.
Thanksgiving regret: no one at dinner wanted to talk about why the family members on TV’s “Dinosaurs” were all different species of dinosaur
I was 14 before I realized that banana peels and anvils weren’t America’s leading causes of death.
My wife threw my new football over the wall as she thought it belonged to our neighbour’s 9 year old lad.
I’ve had to ask them if I can please have my ball back.
I’m 36 years old.
I get my dopamine the old fashioned way, by practicing my signature with your last name
You could pay someone to install a new faucet or you could spend two hours and 20 minutes trying to remove one bolt and then pay someone.
My uncle (111 M) gifted me (50 M) a ring before leaving to go travelling. A close family friend (2,019 M) told me to destroy the ring due to problematic associations with the jeweller who made it, but the ring is precious to me and I would feel guilty throwing it away. AITA?
Dog pissed about wearing cone after surgery. Dog spends night banging cone against walls, keeping human awake.
Dog-1
Human-0
me: you know what’s not cool?
13: *yelling from another room* YOU!
I didn’t spend 8 years designing this hotel so I could listen to a bunch of touristy complaints about the small cameras inside the toilets.
*bank robbery*
ROBBER: nobody moves, nobody gets hurt!
ME: *gazing tearfully at a pic of my long distance gf* too late
Everyone cried at my wedding. Even the cake was in tiers.
Second orthodontist consult.
10: I hope I can still eat fried chicken at Popeye’s and drink Dr Pepper and chew taffy.
Ortho:
Me, under my breath: You’ve never even been to Popeye’s. You don’t drink soda!…
10, whispering: Best to take this up with Dad.
13 year old me: Mom says to always respect my elders.
33 year old me: You’re out of your damn mind if you think I’m taking orders from you, Aunt Janice, you Hufflepuff piece of shit.