The “eye for an eye” philosophy isn’t exactly a level playing field if your grievance is with a cyclops.
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[getting pulled over]
ME: excuse me officer what was i doing wrong?
MOM COP: you were driving erratically. are you hungry? you seem hungry. step out of the car and eat this alphabet soup backwards for me
[the year 2057]
iPhone 49: *reaches for some of my fries*
Me: No. if you wanted fries you should have ordered some
Never be a pizza!
*Sneezes*
Dating: Bless you
Engaged: You’re adorable
Married: We need to talk
*10 min into new workout*
Me: are my knees supposed to make this screaming sound?
Michael Phelps & I have a combined 19 gold medals & 4 DUI’s.
me: dave and i go way back. we served together for 8 years
her: oh wow. army? navy?
me: olive garden
Would you rather have ten thousand dollars or five dollars for every time you thought you were hilarious but no one laughed?
I never have a problem sharing my fries with my lovely wife (I got a second order just for me that I already ate on the drive home)
don’t often share recipes, but here’s my yummy kale soup:
1 buy kale
2 fill a sock with marbles
3 hit yourself in the face until unconscious
what the hell pray for carter everyone
*pulls out 50 inch TV*
What? It’s really a phone.
Boy. A zombie outbreak sure could get a solid foothold on a day like today, with all this tomfoolery and whatnot. Be safe out there, guys.
Before I drop my kids off at school, I ask if they’re ready to be yeeted out of the car, and they all start chanting, “YEET, YEET YEET…” So yeah… pretty sure I’ve peaked.
I stand in the tampon aisle and when a woman reaches for a box, I snicker and say “you’re gross”.
Nut allergies are proof that trees are taking their revenge after generations of us stealing their young.
One surefire way to get people to stop self-deprecating is to agree with them.
Me: You are NOT alone in this pandemic.
Wife: *on the toilet* I really wish I were.
Me (on a plane): oh dang my friends are going to flip when I send a pic of this airplane wing and the clouds
I’m a self-made hundredaire
Stop saying ‘happy anniversary to my partner in crime.’
You do not commit crimes. You shop at Costco
2032. Predictive Text has been perfected. You idly check in on your lunch break to see what you & your best friend have been chatting about.
Taught my kids to always let a strange dog smell their hand before petting them to see if it was friendly. Should have taught them to do the same with people.
Starting a ride sharing service where you have the option to hook up with your driver called Ecarmony. Send.
*At an auction*
Me: So…I’m outta cash. 😬
Host: What now? 🤨
Me *bids farewell*
All these people casually jogging down the street, and then me, looking like I’m trying to pull an invisible dog sled.
There were no suspicious people alerts on nextdoor today so Susie over on Mystic Ave has either been kidnapped or is dead
On the toilet for 20 minutes. Wish you were here.
CPR Teacher: That’s the end of the lesson. Any questions?
Me: If you all want to leave and lock the door I’ll put the dummy away.