The fact that no one on House Hunters has ever looked at a bathroom and said “I can picture myself taking a dump in here” is a tragically missed opportunity
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How did we decide to go with cockpit?
A horror movie but it’s just a married couple trying to work from home and one of them is chewing
Free him
Thinking about how dinosaurs ruled the world for nearly 180 million years and then out of nowhere some giant space rock was like okay it’s mammal time
You brought me roses? I can’t eat this. Get out.
My 3-year-old said she wants her first car to be a garbage truck. She’ll forget about it, but I’m still getting her one when she turns 16.
I’d hit that
-me, to my snooze alarm
Got a new bottle of shampoo and now I’m using what’s left in the old one with the reckless abandon of someone who just won the lottery.
“Catch me if you can, officer.”
*Seductively winks.*screams as police dog takes me down.
Me: what make of dog is that?
Her: breed
Me [hands on knees]: I am, I’m just out of breath cos I ran over to ask what make of dog that is
What’s that little “-” in front of the temperature mean?
“I wonder what drinking fur would be like?”
~ Inventor of orange juice with pulp
[reading directions]
These are probably garbage words, I’ll just do what I, a moron, think
CNN: Do you want notifications for breaking news?
Me: For like important stuff I guess.
CNN: An Ohio woman just ate 37 McRibs!
Me: I said impor-
CNN: Using chopsticks!
Me: She did WHAT?
Before you call me, ask yourself, “Can I text it?”
Before you text me, ask yourself, “Can I email it?”
Before you email me, ask yourself, “Can I just think it really, really hard?”
I’ve been walking on eggshells at work lately. My employer claims it’s cheaper than installing new carpeting.
Scientists say Spider-Man would not be able to climb vertical surfaces due to his size. It’s almost like someone made the whole thing up.
Never hate someone for the color of their skin or who they love. Hate them for putting mayo on a hotdog. That person deserves it
15 yo daughter has a friend over and suddenly 13 yo son wants to walk around curling dumbbells.
(gets down on one knee) hey I like being close to the ground
If you crush Cheez-Its and snort them, they become Sneez-Its.
If I won the Mega Millions jackpot, I would pay my kids to be quiet for 5 minutes.
Guess I’ve had too much caffeine…I thought this lady was a muppet.
Feeling sorry for cannibals who are social distancing.
No handshakes…
just cold shoulders.
BECOME UNGOVERNABLE
I didn’t get a chance to do yoga this morning or any other morning of my life.
Sex is like pizza, there’s NO reason it should ever involve vegetables
Mom I get nervous on dates & always sweat.
“Wear something that doesn’t show stains”
[5 hours later] How was your date?
She hated my poncho.
Whenever І wake up and see that someone has wrіtten a bunch of funny tweets before noon, І assume they are a mornіng drіnker.