I chose trial by fire, witch wasn’t my best idea.
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Me: what do you want for dinner?
3yo: nothing.
Me: you want cheese on that nothing?
3yo: yes please.
The last time I was someone’s type, I was donating blood
Not to brag, but my kids just unloaded the entire dishwasher without me asking, or without them noticing that the dishwasher had not been run.
A werewolf is chasing you and you are going to die but he’s wearing TOMS and you can’t stop laughing.
You dance so good girl. Hell yes. That looks great. You are a flower swaying with the wind. Do the running man.
-Alcohol
All of Ariel’s mer-sisters’ names started with A too. More like keeping up with the Karsplashians.
“How do you talk to an angel”
Me: I don’t know, Skype I guess?
“How do you hold her close to where you are”
Me: Aren’t most angels men?
My type is 12 pt Helvetica.
Son: Smell me. Do you think I should shower?
Me: Yes.
Son: But you didn’t smell me.
Me: Yes.
I have a divorce case where I’m seriously considering hiring community theater actors to come into court and read all the text messages for the record.
Getting schooled in Minecraft by a 6 year old. Looks like someone is about to find out Santa Claus isn’t real.
[SPELLING BEE]
“Your word is HOTELIER”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“I bet my hotel is hotelier than yours”
Strange how FB doesn’t automatically add the enemies of your enemies as your friends,
Pointed out my kids real dad to them at the car wash today. None of us are sure if I’m kidding.
Fatherhood is a privilege, an honour and something I am grateful for every day. Being a dad is not just about telling lame jokes. It’s about threatening homelessness if they’re not laughed at.
I really hate it when people stereotype the Irish. When I finish my Guinness, I’m punching you all in the face.
I always keep my phone on me in case there’s an emergency or I have to wait for anything for more than 2 seconds.
*sees a spider*
I’m going to kill him
*turn around to get a shoe*
*turns back around and spider has 8 shoes*
Alright, let’s be cool here
“Want me to help you with that tux?”
“No”
“Ok, suit yourself”
If a lion ever bites off your arm, try to chew some of his hair off before you run away. He deserves to look stupid until it grows back.
If you don’t call your spouse “wonderful” when you’re on a game show, you’re legally required to get a divorce at the end of the show.
They say that sex is the best form of exercise.
Correct me if I’m wrong but I don’t think 2 minutes and 15 seconds every 3 months is going to do much for that beer belly.
Me, dry heaving and wheezing: Everest was a mistake! I’m going to die alone on this godless wasteland
The Sherpa: Miss? We are still in the parking lot
How about daylight saves us for once
Found my cat reading To Kill A Mockingbird. I told him that it didn’t actually involve killing birds, but he said he liked courtroom dramas.
Whenever someone tells me how well behaved my kids are I say it’s cause they’re not at home.
Drilling a hole is boring, but fastening pieces of metal can be riveting.
I was hooked on auctions after only going once …going twice
So in The Matrix they feed you the liquified remains of the dead through a tube but you get to sleep and be online all day? I’m listening.
Coworker: How did your review go?
Me: I don’t know…I thought playing “Epic” by Faith No More was a strong symbolic start…
Coworker:
Me: Apparently putting a live, flailing fish on her desk was lost on her too.