I like listening to Phil Collins in the shower. He gets creeped out when he sees me, though.
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People come into your life for a reason. It’s annoying
To someone this means ‘A new start’. To everyone else, it doesn’t.
They say chimps are our closest relatives, but mine’s actually my mum.
My daughter just found the dog leash and collar
Which would be less awkward to explain if we actually had a dog
james[jesus’ brother]: i need off my bro passed away
boss: gotcha man
[3 days later]
james: i need off my brothers in town
boss: now hold on
Quarantine sucks in a house that’s haunted because a message suddenly appears in blood saying “YOU USUALLY LEAVE AT 7:45.”
I’m still drunk with power after a Jehovah’s Witness asked, “‘Can I ask you one question?” & I said, “I think you just did,” + kept walking.
58.
Oh, you’re Happy? Name the other 6 Dwarves
murderer: I can see your feet poking out from under your race car bed
me: just changing the oil
You see me wildly flailing my arms. Did I:
a) Walk through a spider web?
b) Try to wrap something in Saran wrap?
c) Try to use Scotch tape?
*buys dog mask*
*shits on neighbors’ lawn*
ME: I’m being haunted by my Grandma.
GRANDMA: For the last time, I’m not dead! You drove me here.
ME: DID YOU HEAR THAT?
PARANORMAL INVESTIGATOR: *frightened* I think I can even see her!!!
Lockdown was an unfortunate time for the launch of my party supplies business. I’ve got more unsold piñatas than you can shake a stick at.
I follow mattress delivery trucks around all day, because I like the smell of freshly braked bed.
*opens a bag of popcorn at your intervention*
I’ve had a few people tell me I should start an OF but honestly, you could just peel a potato at home and get the same outcome.
In my mind, I’m about 22-years old. Then I walk by a mirror.
*adds resume embellisher to resume*
[funeral]
ok I need everyone over 70 to gather for the bouquet toss
Ok I won’t subliminally ask any more subtraction problems, but I only did it 6 or maybe 3 times. What’s the difference?
My husband is in the other room explaining to the cat that even tho we are going to bed early, he (the cat) is welcome to stay up
Due to rising prices, Dollar Tree is changing their name to ‘Tree Fiddy’.
WATER POLO INSTRUCTOR: “Are you sure you know what you’re doing?”
ME: [Adjusting the mask & snorkel on my horse] “Of course I do.”
Just been banned from my church’s Easter service.
Apparently the first words Jesus spoke after emerging from his tomb weren’t “Ta-Daa!”
Guys, check out this cool trick I learned. Take your upper lip and make it touch your lower lip. Now keep them like that.
Tried to sleep by reading a boring book and now it’s suddenly the most interesting book.
[office]
Me: Happy Black Friday!
Latisha: …
Me: I made a cake!
Latisha: …
Me: …
Latisha: …
Me: …
Latisha: …
Me: It’s chocolate.
There’s nothing horribler than a word that isn’t real.
me: [thinking] I don’t want kids
my mom: [2000 miles away gets a mental notification and texts me] how could you do this to me?