The world needs to chill out. There’s no way history teachers can cram all this bs into a semester
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I am no longer impressed that Nicholas Cage managed to steal the Declaration of Independence.
When you’re over 40 and a part of your body starts hurting for no reason that is nature sending a “what ya doing?” text.
Jurassic Park taught me not to exploit dinosaur labor.
I’ve watched this 19 times this morning.
i dont understand why two people reaching into the same bag of snacks at the same time is considered romantic. like excuse me you are in the way of my snacks
You can add “cha cha cha” to any sentence you want without explaining yourself. Nobody really appreciates this.
If you ever see me with one of those stick figure family bumper stickers it means I’m dead and someone is wearing my skin
Me: Ah-chooo!
CW: Allergy season! Is there something in here irritating you?
Me: Everyday.
My husband made it back from Charlotte and went directly from the airport to a “work meeting” at a casino resort. Any one else think this seems suspicious? 🤔
*goes to Walmart*
*goes to Target*
*flies across world*
*takes train*
*rides in car*
*hikes highest mountain*
*gets to Guru*
Me: Where do I find the 3rd item on this school supply list?
the worst thing about getting attacked by a crocodile is that your friends will probably scream “watch out for that alligator!” and then you will have to explain to them the difference while it’s eating your face
Daughter: Daddy, I can’t sleep.
Me: *gets warm milk* How about now?
D: Nope
Me: *reads a book* How about now?
D: Nope
Me: *starts to sing*
D: *fake sleeps so I’ll stop*
Me: Man, I should have started with that.
I was once put in the ‘friend zone,” but with perseverance that all changed. I’m now in the ‘must stay 200 yards away at all times zone.’
Guys; if she stops responding to your messages for days, 100% of the time it’s a technical problem. Keep trying.
Me: beware the clyde of march
Clyde: I’m standing right here
Me, hand to side of mouth: (that’s him)
[Dr.]
“Your blood is 40% cheese, if you eat ANY more you’ll die”
*slowly raises piece of cheese to mouth*
“Don’t do it”
*eats cheese*
*dies*
*watching the villains on the moon in Superman II*
Daughter: Are they the first to land there?
Me: No – Neil before Zod
Darn, my 250 million years old salt has expired.
I wish my wife was one of those government agents who aren’t allowed to talk about what they did at work all day.
Pro tip: when you’re on your way home, don’t answer your phone.
Someone wants you to stop at the store.
My wife isn’t international so we don’t celebrate
3: [eating] I want Pirates of the Caribbean
me: yeah, well people in hell want ice water
3: [smiling] I already got ice water
I’m so glad my great aunt handed down the beautiful, vintage art deco water glasses that I love because my husband has discovered they are perfect for catching spiders.
“I’m practicing self care” I scream at the buffet waitress as she tries to wrench a whole steam tray full of lobster from my hands
You think they keep the lights low for ambiance, but really it’s cuz that restaurant hasn’t dusted since 1986.
The Passion of the Christ 2: Jesus in Space
He conquered the sins of the world, but can he conquer the sins of the galaxy?
dude *scoffs like 7 times in a row* of course i’m not a virgin… i have lots of *starts readin hand, ink is hella smudged* secular intercom
checking out some reviews of my local library
Body: *sharp abdominal pain*
Me: Oh, God. Is that cancer? I bet it’s cancer.
Body: Are you gonna go to the doctor? If you’re worried it’s cancer let’s go get it checked out.
Me: No, I’m good.