The fact that there are space cowboys implies that there are space cows and that’s why I haven’t slept in 4 days.
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Neo is 57-years-old he’s definitely taking the blue pills.
*flirting with a guy at work*
Soooooo, what do you do for a living?
Financial independence now means getting your kids to eat most of their meals at the neighbors house
My computer caught a mosquito virus and has malwaria.
“YOLF!”
– immortals, probably
[Art Museum]
Date: I like a man who makes things exciting, but I also like to be the center of attention.
Me: *Thinking quickly* SECURITY! SHE’S GONNA STEAL THIS PAINTING
*Dentist’s waiting room*
*Trying to make conversation with other patient*
So… I guess you have teeth, too?
I would be morbidly obese if food for thought was an actual thing.
Growing up couldn’t wait to have a room of my own and do whatever I liked. So why did I end up doing the exact opposite by getting married?
[Waffle House interview]
Manager:“How good are you at avoiding flying chairs?”
Her:“I’m basically a Jedi.”
Manager:“When can you start?”
[Meeting friends baby]
Me: [bouncing him on my knee] he’s a big boy isn’t he
Friend: yeah he was 11 pounds
Me: wow that’s cheap
sin harder.
It’s cute when kids say what they want to be when they grow up. You’re gonna write emails on the computer buddy
They’re a 10 but they use only the amount of garlic listed in the recipe.
*me at Target*
“Hey baby, you want some of this?”
*offering to share my chocolate Twizzlers*
Her: *calls security*
~Flirting is so hard
This librarian isn’t even wearing glasses! I’m not even going to ask her where a book is. She’s not going to know.
{at sports arena}
*kiss cam pans to me just as I take a huge bite of a hotdog
Me: *panics and seductively licks mustard off my lips.
You can only send, “I hope this email finds you in a pineapple under the sea” like 3, 4 times before they’ll fire you
Amish murderers get the acoustic chair.
Pest control guy, pulling a piece of drywall out to reveal an infant sitting inside the wall: Yep you got babies
Her: I chose you for your brains
Me: aww
Her: in case I ever become a zombie
I had a dream where I thought I had rats in my bed but it turned out to be a passel of wiener dogs. If my subconscious mind were a person, I’d want it in jail.
[donating blood]
“You’re looking a little faint. Can I get you a drink?”
“No thanks, I’ve just had like 60 of those strawberry Capri Suns.”
WTF IS AN ACRONYM
My kid wouldn’t eat it after he ordered it so I had to: A parents guide.
7yo son: Mom, can you hand me a tissue so I can blow my nose?
Me: Is it already—
7: It’s already on my finger, yes.
Once I found there was no popcorn in popcorn chicken there was no reason to try pot roast.
I didn’t know imposter syndrome was contagious, but my boss also thinks I’m terrible at my job.
I can’t wait for thanksgiving. It’s an election year so that means there will be at least 4 fist fights and someone’s getting disowned.