*performs interpretive dance at your psych evaluation
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every time I try to lay down for a bit it’s someone in a group text’s birthday
Things that are loud:
Jet engines
Dynamite
Opening a bag of Sun Chips at a funeral
Rock concerts
Absolutely destroyed my bed last night… I cuddled those covers so hard
A spider crawled out from under my toaster oven rolling a blueberry. He can have this house. He’s earned it
My human just got off the phone and said to me, “You won’t be a happy kitty tomorrow.”
I’m suddenly having trust issues.
Warning to friends:
If you piss me off I’ll put a for sale sign in my yard and list your phone number to call for inquiries.
I found this set for $10 at a garage sale and I need someone else to be as excited about it as I am
Girls get so turned on when you take charge. Grab her hair and tell her she needs a shampoo with no harsh sulfates and a new lip stain.
[sitting on my couch eating matzah slathered in Nutella, watching Masterchef] wow I can’t believe he didn’t bake his cheesecake in a water bath
a haunted house, but every room is just learning more about Will & Jada.
[starbucks]
me: can i take some wifi home with me?
barista: um. sure(?)
me: [holds tupperware container in the air & closes lid] thanks.
The rare times my cat comes to me for affection, I run and hide under the bed, so she knows what that feels like.
so disappointed after seeing this photo & realizing that’s a third llama in the back & not the arm of the right llama ringing a little bell
shiny bag: THESE CHIPS ARE UNHEALTHY
matte bag: THESE CHIPS ARE FROM A FARM AND GOD LOVES THEM
If a cop pulls you over and walks up holding a notepad, don’t order breakfast. Apparently it’s not amusing, I’ve already tried it.
[In football huddle]
“What do you guys think happens when we die?”
due to inflation you can now eat food that has been on the floor for up to 7.3 seconds
I never sit around waiting for anyone except for the pizza delivery guy..him I’ll wait for
Because of Gwen Stefani I can spell bananas so I wish she’d write a song where she spells restaurant.
Choose a job you love and you’ll never work a day in your life, because you’ll never get that job.
I was practicing moves on a stripper pole, when all of a sudden I heard a loud ringing. Then 3 firemen fell from the sky and crushed me.
Today my battery went dead on my car key so I had to manually unlock it like the pioneers did.
My grandmother’s name is so Italian you need both hands to pronounce it.
There is nothing more important to me than my family that I pretend to have when I order takeout over the phone.
And the award for the best actor goes to my 5yo for his role in “I can’t push this bike back it’s too heavy”
Allow me to slip into something more out the window.
“Choose password”
> 123bob“Password must not contain common names & must be complex with at least 50 characters”
> gameofthrones“OK”
I’m about to lose 20 pounds.
*Releases the weight of everyone’s expectations off my shoulders.
I’ve been Catholic for years and still have no idea which murders I should confess and which I should keep to myself.