@FeralCrone: I said I was mad at myself. My 4yo son looked at me. "There are fancier words for mad," he said, fixing my hair. "You should say irritated."

@GensPlace: I was ringing this 0800 number for two days before I realised it was their opening hours.

@envydatropic: According to my credit card statement Amazon is a hobby

@friedmanjon: I wonder if Jeremy Irons ever quietly laughs to himself while he's ironing.

@iGreenMonk: I got caught peeing in the local swimming pool today. The lifeguard shouted at me so loudly, I nearly fell in.