The fact that they call it the Food Pyramid and not Food Triangle implies it has at least two other sides. So maybe this much taffy is OK
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Having a kitten around is great, because I was definitely missing being randomly assaulted by five pounds of panicky barbed wire as silent as a shadow in my life.
Me: I’m not interested in this tweet
Twitter: Idgaf
This avocado wants me to hunt down Han Solo
When someone tries to argue with me I’m like “hey pal let me stop you right there” and then physically turn them around to face someone else
Turned on the telly and there’s all the Kings horses and all the Kings men, so I assume they’re on their way to some egg related emergency.
I couldn’t think of an excuse fast enough so anyways I’m having company over this weekend.
gas pump: do you want a receipt? Y/N
me: *presses yes*
gas pump:
me: *pressing harder* YES
gas pump: lol nope
Make sure you know what you’re getting tonight…#HAPPYHALLOWEEN. #GirlCode
*Arrives at the barbers*
“I’d like some highlights please”
*Barber puts on video of old haircuts*
me: haven’t you ever heard the saying “the customer is always right”?
mcdonald’s cashier: sir, i’m sorry, but the statue of ronald mcdonald doesn’t “come to life every 15 years to prey on burger king customers”
GUY VISITING FROM THE SUN: This weather isn’t hot
I’ve never watched The Bachelor but I have been to a bar.
I just called one ex a calculator and another a potential murder victim so if you’re looking for metaphors, I’m probably the grapefruit.
My birthday is 9 months after the release of the movie Grease. So now I have to live with the truth that I was conceived while John Travolta was singing.
just got my engagement photos
When you haven’t shaved in a while and your leg hairs sway better in the breeze than your neighbour’s stupid windchime
Me – Okay well, put me down for bringing the flowers to the office party
Cw – oh no you don’t! We know you steal them from the cemetery
*pastes on mayonnaise in place of roll on deodorant
rise and shine we got egg
According to HR, I have “a tendency to rub some people the wrong way”, which is disappointing, cuz I was aiming for ALL of ‘em.
Army guy: sniper in the clock tower, 6 o’clock
Me [seeing the time on the clock tower says 5 o’clock]: we’ll worry about him in an hour then
Just Jedi mind tricked my BF into buying me a new phone. Well not really, I had to moan during sex and promised to be nice to his mom.
Coach: Ice cream! My treat
Kids: Yay— wait where’s ours?
Coach: My treat
[opens jar of olives and pours them in my garden]
“Now grow to be a restaurant”
[i get home to find a note on the refrigerator that says “i’m leaving and i’m taking the kids”]
ME: *unplugs fridge from power outlet* you’re not going anywhere you piece of shit
[commercial for mops]
*scene of a man licking up a pool of spilled soda off the dirty floor*
“There has to be a better way”
Narrator:MOPS
Contemplating the merits of the Oxford comma as I head down to Florida to see my parents, Donald Trump and Marco Rubio
1000s flocked to NJ to see the Virgin Mary in a tree trunk. But, don’t judge them, friends. When was the last time you saw a virgin in NJ?
A rat followed me home in a dark street in DC, so I pretended I was on the phone with an exterminator