The fact that they call it the Food Pyramid and not Food Triangle implies it has at least two other sides. So maybe this much taffy is OK
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The right person will know this subtweet is about them.
I envy those who look beautiful with a messy bun and not me who looks like I either just climbed out of a ditch or played with an outlet with a fork.
I never had children but I still get to watch my dogs find clever ways to avoid eating broccoli.
I’m not sure if this woman in the Starbucks line ahead of me is ordering a drink or casting a spell.
Her: omg are you crying over puppy videos?
Him: dammit woman, I’m the Headless Horseman, not the Heartless Horseman
CW: Who’s the more the foolish: the fool, or the-
Me: Ted, I don’t have time for this, so I’m going to slap you hard then take myself to HR.
My house looks amazing from the outside…as for the inside, its nothing that a decent fire wouldn’t fix
I like to cook for a man when I first start dating him.
That way he’ll be disappointed from the start.
Not just when he sees me naked.
[date]
ME: Tell me about yourself
HER: I love good listeners and Fred Astaire
ME: That’s weird
HER: What is?
ME: Being afraid of stairs
Nowadays pictures are more filtered than water.
kid: *sniffle*
me: need a tissue?
kid: no
kid: *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle*
Turn that Robert Frowney Jr upside Downey Jr.
waiter: how was your roast duck sir
me: fine, i’ll take the bill now
waiter: sorry sir but we don’t serve that part
me: no no, i need to pay
waiter: your hair looks fine to me sir
[Concert]
Triangle player: *proudly playing his triangle
[Octagon player struts on stage]
Triangle player: “What the-“
I may not be a victoria secret model but I do like to wear a somewhat of a matching pyjamma set in case a robber breaks in and decides to critique me on my sleeping attire.
Him: you look tired today
Me: you look like you need a mouth that says better sentences
i’m sorry i didn’t text you back i’m really busy watching the wolf of wall street in the form of two minute clips on tik tok
[phonecall]
murderer: I’m outside your houseme: I’m at the supermarket
murderer: ok
me: I’ll be there in 10
I’m just gonna say it. I’d smurf Smurfette.
Exercise makes you look better naked. But so does whiskey, it’s your choice.
Parent Tip: don’t tell your child “I’m waiting, I can wait all day if I have to” unless you’ve actually cleared your schedule for the day.
“New Year, New Me” gets easier every year cause I keep setting the bar lower and lower
Having teens is fun because they demand their independence but then turn right around & ask you for $20.
COP: Can you describe the bear that attacked you?
ME: Less huggable than you’d think
NURSE: *bursts in* Dr., come quick!
DR DOG: CHRIST, JULIE! Don’t you knock?!?
*hides magazine of sexy Labradoodles being sprayed with hoses*
[on phone with kidnapper]
*flirty* …no YOU have 24 hrs to come up with the ransom
I’m in your fridge late at night like this!
“Hold on lemme just hotbox these bugs so I can steal and eat their goo.” -beekeepers everywhere
Me: *Spitting out teeth*
Her: Omg what happened?
Me: I ate too many of them
You’re a cunt. Maybe that’s why you’re alone.