The fact that they call it the Food Pyramid and not Food Triangle implies it has at least two other sides. So maybe this much taffy is OK
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I’ve been ordering a cheeseburger and fries at my bank drive-thru every week for a year and they STILL don’t think it’s funny.
they should invent a hydrating liquor
[taking pregnant wife to hospital ER]
Me: Help! My wife’s having contradictions!
Dr: Don’t you mean contractions?
Wife: Never say never
[After leaving Willy Wonka’s factory]
ME:
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE: Lot of deaths for a to—
ME: A LOT of deaths for a tour!
alfred: you have emphysema
batman: how?
alfred: probably from using smoke bombs to get out of scary situations
batman: oh
alfred:
batman: *slowly reaches for smoke bomb*
alfred: sir
I ate a doughnut today with no sprinkles. Diet goals accomplished
me: just going to take off my hoodie.
shirt: me too.
me: no just the hoodie.
shirt: ok but also me too.
me: no.
belly button: hello! 🙂
The Professor Banned Laptops In Class. Too Bad College Kids Are Petty!😂😭😭
Having to shovel is so rude. It’s like I have to clean up after the earth, too?
The hardest part of life in the 1990s was having to scream “Hey, Macarena!” every forty seconds for the entire decade.
Boss: Don’t sit in that cubicle, it’s haunted by the ghost of Steve
New Hire: Prove it
Boss: DONUTS IN THE BREAKROOM
* the office chair spins around immediately *
velma: this man has been dressing up as a ghost and haunting the amusement park at night
judge: look, that’s really weird but you were still trespassing on his property
mental gymnastics are fine if you can stick the landing
mentally somewhere in italy
Nudes are overrated. You should probably just send me a picture of those little plastic swipy things in your wallet.
11: can I see one of your last tweets?
Me: *pulls up tweet*
11: no, I meant a funny one
keep your circle small. bridesmaid’s dresses are expensive.
Me: Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned. A big one.
Priest: Murder, my child?
Me: Worse. Pronounced the ‘t’ in often.
Priest: *gasp*
Saw a used kettle I liked on eBay. It said “needs filter”, but I thought the picture of it was fine as is.
Daffodil totally sounds like an insult, you blooming daffodil
If anyone wants to know how WWIII will actually start…. 🤣
My aunt cuts her name & address label from magazines for fear of the legendary “saw your name & address on a magazine label” murderer
(first date)
Her: I work in a science lab.
Me: (trying to impress) I donated my brain for research.
Ladies, if you’re looking for romance, now is the time of year to move to a small town in order to save your grandfather’s business from the guy who also happens to secretly be the love of your life
thanks for the crochet armor, mom, I’m sure it will work just fine
APPLE GENIUS: [looks around nervously] if I had a criticism of this phone it would be that-
{trapdoor}
NEW APPLE GENIUS: that it’s perfect.
Ex-Girlfriend: I heard you & your new girlfriend are having problems… Well, you’ve always got my number.
Me: Yes, is it still 666?
Me: Sometimes I don’t get Jo’s tweets.
Marta: Maybe you’re not high enough?
Me: * climbs tree
It’s that time of year again where I go to random restaurants to tell random women “So this is why you cancelled our date” while they’re with their significant other.