The fact touche and douche don’t rhyme bothers me.
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The genie sang that whole song about how he’s gonna be Aladdin’s best friend ever right in front of the monkey
Accidentally said “shh” instead of “slow down” and a kid silently ran into a glass door
Oh, you like astronomy? Name all the stars.
Me: (to myself) what is wrong with you
Myself: (to me) oh like you don’t know
me: I think some people are birds in disguise
friend: lol can I tweet that
me: *narrows eyes* can you what
I’m not taking the Democrat convention seriously until someone starts talking to a table.
My sons having a few friends stay over tonight
Hockey mask *check
Chainsaw *checkHopefully this will be the last sleepover for a while
Me, hold a grudge? Never. I carry a battle axe at all times and settle any nonsense as it happens.
Yes, I’m a slob, but I’m a sanitary slob. Underneath all the clutter it’s actually clean.
A guy on the street just said “nice feet” to me can someone tell me seriously if that was a cat call?
Just once I’d like the guy hired to kill me to complete the job and not fall in love with me.
Chief: You’re the WORST cop in the department! Hand over your gun and badge!
Me: *realising I left both in my son’s crib* Uhhhhh….
guru: life is intertwined, from you & i, to birds & trees
me: yes sensei
guru: theres an ancient story of an old man who sought to become one with nature
me: did he succeed, sensei?
guru: turned himself into a pickle. he was like “im pickle rick.” funniest shit ive ever heard
[buys ghostbusters ringtone]
ME: who ya gonna call?
[1 hour later]
ME: who ya gonna call?!
[2 days later]
ME: *sobbing* I am so lonely
“Hey look, a corn maze!”
– me, drunk, about to get lost in a corn maze
Genie: you have three wishes.
Me: i want a million wishes.
Genie: oh you’re one of those. Hey Jim! Come on out front! We’ve got one of those back again!
The Bachelorette would be a lot more entertaining if the girl was a Praying Mantis.
Nowadays pictures are more filtered than water.
My kids tell me I drink too much.
It’s funny they don’t make the connection.
Goal as a white guy
1)Pay taxes
2)Never say anything that may come across as racist
3)Find something clever to do with my arms when I dance.
Assassin implies the existence of Assassout and frankly I’m all for it
The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.
“What do you like to do in your free time?”
Golf.
“Oh that’s cool. When’s the last time you played?”
8 years ago.
Breaking news:
When this pandemic is over, I’m going to French kiss every escalator handrail at the mall
12. I think about this all the damn time
*whispers to an avocado*
“I’m the good kind of fat, too.”
November should have one more day. just because to me November 31st sounds real. and also I don’t want to pay rent tomorrow
getting sucked inside the jumanji game for 30 years is starting to sound pretty good at this point
Sure the blue urinal cakes LOOK delicious but I’ve learned my lesson