*tries to get in your pantries*
There is no typo here.
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it’s Thanksgiving day. i’m carving a turkey. “ahem” i hear from across the house. it’s my old violin instructor. i sigh and then pick up the turkey, put it under my chin and continue an elegant sawing motion. she nods with approval.
Since finding a huge spider in my slipper I now keep em on a chair cuz my little brain decided spiders don’t like chairs.
13: *staring glumly at garden* Why so much spinach?
Boss: why’d you leave early?
Me: you said cease the day
Boss: yes I said seize the day
Me:
Boss:
Done with work today.
The work day isn’t over, I’m just done with it
As a kid I had an imaginary friend, Jerry Lapston. He had a backstory and everything. The funniest thing though was that my little brother wanted a friend too, and in a moment of youthful innocence came up with the best creepy imaginary friend name ever: Uncle Bathingsuit
I’m looking for a school picture package that’s more than 4 wallets and less than 54 wallets & a wall mural.
[lightning strike super close to our house]
5-year-old: Missed me.
If I can’t msg you after years of no contact asking if you want some human teeth just block me now.
If I’m guilty of anything, it’s loving TOO much. And several felonies in 3 different states. But mostly loving too much.
My face is very symmetrical…over the x-axis 🙁
DNA doesn’t make you a parent. Stepping on a lego guy on your way to the bathroom at 3 am does
[1st day undercover]
Me: [to gang of street punks] what up dongs?
Voice through earpiece: OMG its DAWGS u idiot
Me: is ur gang hiring today?
mcdonalds’s with a small walmart inside
gen z: what’s the next generation gonna be called?
scientist: [nervously] ahaha you’re not the last one
gen z: what
scientist: what
me: AAAAAA SPIDER, KILL IT KILL IT
wife: [destroys spider’s confidence and self worth until it throws itself into traffic]
Me: “If I need another drink, do you prefer if I rattle my glass or snap my fingers?”
Her:
I refuse to eat the food I just begged for.
-Kids
Someone stole my identity. And then sent it back with $100 and a note that said “So sorry man. Hope things work out.”
just saw a guy pull down his sunglasses and look at a firetruck go by like a sexy lady in an 80s movie
She loves me
[forgets to run the dishwasher]
She loves me not
My dog has been looking for a spot to shit since 1958.
Me: did you leave out the cookies for Santa?
My Kid: yes.
Me: and the milk?
My Kid: yup!
Me: and the waiver for Santa to sign holding us harmless in the event of food poisoning?
My Kid: (sigh) yes.
This canned chili is terrible. No beans, hardly any spices, and for some reason, the side of the can has a picture of a Golden Retriever.
[rejected dialogue from star trek II: the wrath of khan]
khan: revenge is a dish with a dried glob of food on it that won’t come off no matter how hard you scrub
I haven’t had a good nights sleep since I started wondering what holds up those blocks in Mario.
Interviewer: Why did you apply for this job?
Me: Because being broke and homeless didn’t really call out to me.
I was reading to my kids today and in the story, there was a pregnant woman.
My 3 year-old asked, “What happened to her belly?”
I replied, “There’s a baby in there.”
3 was horrified; “She ate a baby?!”
Sensing a good opportunity, I said “Yes.”
Sleep well tonight, kid.
If being hydrated is such a great thing, why does it feel like my bladder is pissed off?