The fastest person on earth isn’t Usain Bolt.
It’s any parent with a toddler who just said they have to poop.
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If you’re ever wondering what to do in an uncomfortable situation, just think “What would teenage me do?”
And then do the opposite of that.
Being a brown man is hard but it would really suck if one day I failed a CAPTCHA & found out I was a robot on top of that
My toddler just said “Knock knock, who’s there” then slapped me in the face and said “it’s me”
Ok then.
Went Trick-or-Treating last night and all I got was yelled at.
My reality check bounced, guess I’ll have to stay insane for the time being
Sorry I painted a hat on your head while you were sleeping, but I can’t knit.
We found love in a hopeless place.
My body is a temple, please leave pizza and tacos at the altar.
I’m so forgetful, I swear I’d lose my own head if it wasn’t attached with this black velvet ribbon which you must never, ever, ever touch.
Deeply concerning if literal: Last Christmas I gave you my heart.
I need to be drunk looking in the passport picture because I’ll certainly be drunk when I’m traveling.
My girlfriend says she wants a fairy tale wedding. Anyone know where I can get hold of a bear costume and 50lbs of porridge?
Pasta is very hard to eat when you’re a dog. I know this now.
If I was a doctor I would scare my patients by pretending to go check google every time they asked me a question
All 3 accessible parking places in the school parking lot were taken by parents without accessible placards. So I parked sideways behind them and blocked all three in with my placard displayed. 😘
FRIEND: Remember, women love confidence
ME: Ok[Later]
DATE: So *smiles* am I gonna have a good time tonight?
ME *confidently* nope
Karate Kid (1984) A Japanese man teaches a desperate young boy about bullying by forcing him to fix his house.
interviewer: it says here u jump to conclusions
me: so I’m hired?
I broke up with my boyfriend. He was such a jerk. What a goat!
-Don’t you mean pig?
No. He tried to eat my couch!
You do the load of laundry that you have, not the load of laundry that you want.
Actually Frankenstein was the name of the scientist. I, the person correcting you on this trivial point, am the monster.
Hey girl, on a scale of ‘Neo’s mind in the beginning of The Matrix’ and ‘Neo’s mind at the end’, how free are you tonight?
My friend is mad because I called her baby the cutest little freak show. The CUTEST tho… it’s like she missed that part.
[4:30 AM]
Wife: I thought I told you to rock the baby to sleep
Me: *turning down Enter Sandman* What does it look like I’m doing, Karen
Try and stop me.
13 years of marriage and my husband has never asked me to make him a salad
When does he ask for one? During a pandemic when we’ve run out of vegetables and grocery pick up is in three days
[driving]
Me: I don’t know where we are.
3-year-old: I do. We’re in the car.
My 4-year-old was crying when his favorite pair of pants no longer fit him and I was like, “Dude, I get it. I totally get it.”
The woman who sits next to me at work just told someone she’s surrounded by idiots. I feel bad for her.
The straw that broke the camel’s back was either an exceptionally large straw or that camel had some serious osteoporosis.