The fastest way to get your kids to shut up is to ask them a question you want answered.
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The reason fish come wrapped in newspaper is because the easiest way to catch them is to sneak up on them when they’re reading.
We have a Costco membership because you never know when you’ll need an eight pound bag of blue tortilla chips and a canoe.
“I’m in love with the shape of ewe.”
-Ed, shearing
If your doctor has to google something right in front of you, you’re probably going to die.
Him: I’m a morning person
Me *scared of werewolves* w…what are you at night??
“You’re beautiful on the inside.”
– Me, to a Twinkie
PEN SHOP OWNER: *Revealing huge sign with slogan he just created* “The pen is mightier than the sword”
SWORD SHOP OWNER NEXT DOOR: Jesus Christ, Phil, why would you—we’re not even in competing markets!
Whenever I read the phrase “We’ve changed our privacy policy,” I just shrug and assume they already have pictures of me on the toilet.
Over on that new social media site, nudes are called Threadbares
I’m praying to 1500 Hindu Gods to help me finish decorating this Christmas tree
*overheard in 6’s virtual class*
6: I saw a raccoon our backyard yesterday, and I wanted to show it to my mom, but it ran away.
Kid: Oh, are raccoons scared of your mom?
god: *invents hammerhead shark*
nailhead shark: oh no
My tweets use many of the same letters as Shakespeare.
Umbrage is like regular brage, but um…
Look, ice cream has eggs in it, therefore it is a breakfast food.
Me: can you call me an Uber? It’s too far to walk and it’s getting dark
My spouse: … it’s our mailbox. At the end of our driveway.
just overheard my boyfriend, who works outside all day, describe me to someone as “an indoor cat”
[at doctor’s office]
Nurse: You may get undressed now.
Me: [rips off tear away pants]
Nurse: Most people wait until I’m out of the room but okay.
[trapped in the trunk of a car]
him: hey what’s up
me: *forgets why I called* lol not much
There were no dating apps in the 1950s. You just crashed a pyramid of water skiing girls into a pyramid of water skiing guys and hoped for the best.
Someone asked me to go for a walk and all I can think of is why does my dog get so excited when I ask him if he wants to go for walk?
-hey lucifer. did it hurt
-did what hurt
-when you fell from heaven
-for the last time gabriel i am not going out with you
Why did it have to be the dog? I have the hubby insured for $1.5 million.
[couples therapy]
ME: She thinks I make bad decisions
WIFE: He traded our car for a skateboard
THERAPIST: *writing notes* This guy rules
Judas: *Betrays Jesus with a kiss*
Gospel Writers: Alright, no more kissin dudes
*trapped in a sinking car*
I should call 911
*car fills with water*
Ugh I hate phone calls
*head barely above water*
Can I just text them
I offer kid $1 to do a chore. He sticks dollar in pocket. I get dollar back on laundry day.
Lather. Rinse. Repeat!
BRENDA: I brought cookies!
ME: I guess I can have one, I’ve been good all week
*eats cookie*
*eats entire tray of cookies*
*eats Brenda too*
Man you get spotted dumping one rolled-up tarp into a swamp and all anyone ever wants to talk about is your “cloud of suspicion”
My neighbor’s dogs are named Calvin and Klein. They’re boxers.