The Fat Girl’s Guide To The Zombie Apocalypse:
If you see me running & there’s no ice cream truck in front of me..you should run too.
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Mom: Have you tried the lemon squares?
Me, joking: Nah, I’m allergic to shapes
Mom, serious: It doesn’t look like you’re allergic to round
We say “life is short,” but really, most of us expect to die in old age. This expectation exposes our fear of death, not our understanding of life. Life doesn’t have a knowable length or a right length. It ends when it ends.
Cashier: So… you don’t want fries?
Me: No, I do.
You know instead of saying half a dozen you could just say 6, right?
Pony: “I love hay so much I-”
Dad: “Why don’t you marry it, ya big nerd?”
*pony grows up*
*becomes Horse Emperor*
*legalizes hay marriage*
Witches were never burned in the South because it led to too many arguments over BBQ techniques.
My new rescue dog has figured out how to step on the pedal and open the trash can.
I don’t think my children ever learned that.
Me: my wife says I never pay attention
Wife: I said alimony, but add attention to the list
Me: Waitress, can I ask you something about the menu please
Waitress [slaps my face]: The men I please, that’s none of your business
Last Halloween I had to explain to everyone that I was not a ghost with a boner, but I was just a ghost and I happened to have a boner.
i can always see the flash of disappointment n a guy’s face when i tell them i have a great relationship with my dad.
My 4 year-old now hides from me in the bathroom so l can’t stop him from chewing his nails.
This really upsets me because that was my hiding spot.
OH MY GOD I FORGOT TO UNPLUG THE TOASTER
[flash to dog in sunglasses waiting for his fifth batch of waffles to pop up]
Concierge: Sorry, there is no record of your reservation and we have no spare rooms
Mary: Ok that does it, I want to see your manger
i like calling a man my “former lover” because then it sounds like it happened in france and not in the bonefish grill parking lot
You guys, I just submitted a tweet to Twitter, and they accepted it and put it on their website!
I’m going to be the most petty poltergeist ever. I’ll do things like unplug your phone charging overnight
Auto correct changed “absence” to “absinthe” and now my kid’s school won’t let me be on the PTA.
Shia LaBeouf always manages to come back into our lives at the exact moment we forget how to spell his last name
Even if it’s not cursed, a monkey paw is a terrible gift.
Thanks, autocorrect. Now all my friends think I’m inviting them over for a Halloween-themed Texas Chainsaw Massage
[job interview]
“So what are your goals for working here?”
To be home by 5
I’m loyal to my bakery. It’s called pastriotism.
I’m glad Mr Peanut is dead. For years he flaunted his lavish lifestyle while billions of peanuts lived in dirt only to be ground into (admittedly tasty) peanut butter
The best plant holders?
WIFE: We want to renew our vows.
ME: *hands priest paper*
WIFE: We wrote them ourselves.
PRIEST: *pointing* What’s this word?
WIFE: “Combatant.”
My blood type is coffee.
“Where did that mole come from?” I worriedly ask right before a chocolate chip dislodges from my chest hair
Being a “Hopeless Romantic” sounds kinda depressing. “Pull my chair out for me?” .. “I’d love to, but I’ve given up.”
BOSS: This is my second wife.
ME: Concurrent or consecutive?
“can we play our computers on the plane?”
bro, you and your sister can give each other face tattoos for all I care, just leave me alone