@djdarrellripley: Me: Pfft.. There is scientific evidence that a woman's brain is lighter than a man's. Her: Perhaps because it gets more exercise.

@JohnHilsen: Of course climate change is man-made. It's all been meticulously orchestrated by the Titanic survivors, seeking revenge on that iceberg.

@WittySassBasket: Doctor: What's that on your shirt? *flashback to shoving powdered donuts in my mouth* Me: uh, cocaine

@AimeeHelene1: Me: Yes, I'd like the Mexican massage. Masseuse: The what? Me: *hands him taco seasoning and sour cream* Masseuse: Me: Let's go, chop chop.

@funnyoneliners: I want my children to be independent headstrong people. Just not while I'm raising them.