To animals (lizards?) that prey on mosquitoes: You guys need anything? Ice? More towels? Tickets to Cirque du Soleil?
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People will think you know what you’re talking about if you give your opinion while cleaning a pair of reading glasses.
the human wiped away my eye booger. only to pet it back onto me. i have never experienced such betrayal
I get my dopamine the old fashioned way, by practicing my signature with your last name
[mob about to stone a sinner]
JESUS: Stop! Let he who is without sin throw the first stone.
[mob drops rocks]
JESUS: [picks up rock]
Twitter: “Where people are openly Gay and secretly Republican”
officer it’s my son’s car
“just make it stop sir”
I don’t know how
“can you call him”
I’ll try
*tries to dial while car bounces up and down*
If You Give an Alligator a Corpse is my favorite children’s book about how one little snack leads to an exotic pet addiction and a life on the run.
I never got why people liked sitting home without pants so much until I was without a job for a week. Now I don’t get why people have jobs.
Hi, I’m Ben. You might remember me from such dates as “Hey, your friend is cute.” and “I forgot my wallet at home”.
Sign: “No alcohol past this point.”
Translation: Bet you can’t chug this entire beer, right now.
I always try to hold the door open for women I see walk by, so we can talk and get to know each other. But none of them will get in my car.
I called the fire dept to get my cat out of a tree and they said they don’t do that so I told them them he had a lighter.
Me:*Gently nudges your arm*
Would you like to be my Valentine?
Doctor: Can we discuss this after your colonoscopy?
Excessive use of commas is a serious
crime which may result in a long sentence.
what if plants could talk but they are still in shock from seeing the dinosaurs
“Do you ever get the feeling Mitch is an undercover cop?”
[MITCH enters]
MITCH: Hey guys! *speaking into shirt collar* I brought the drugs
it must be school picture day
I think this is my favorite scene in a movie
Goldilocks taught me that you can get away with breaking into a brown family’s home and stealing their food, as long as you’re a white girl.
[CSI at Starbucks]
“Ma’am you’ve been robbed. Suspect is at large.”
Barista: At what?
“At large”
At what?
“At venti?”
OMG HOW AWFUL!!!
[repeating myself louder in the haunted house attraction] did the dracula throw water on anyone else’s pants??
My wife just caught me naked FaceTiming someone so can one of you pretend to be a TeleMed urologist?
I just don’t understand people who see Tesla hit pedestrians, blow up, and malfunction constantly and are like “yes please Mr. Musk I want to drive one underwater”
Me (texting): Help I’m in the pantry hiding from the murderer
Murderer: Probably shouldn’t have used speech-to-text
People complain when my baby is crying and then they complain when I stuff her in the overhead bin, MAKE UP YOUR GD MINDS
My dog is always using my legs as a pillow, but the one time I lay down on him he acts like I should get out of his kennel.
I’m afraid of people who keep smiling all the time. I feel like they still have plenty of space left for more bodies in their basement.
Celery is depressing green water wafers.
Got banned from being a chef in every restaurant in town because every time someone sent back a pavlova I would call it a boomeringue
me: i think i got bit by a daddy long leg
her: your legs do look longer
me: oh no
her: i’m joking
me: hi joking i’m—OH NO