@heidi420x: The filling in fortune cookies tastes like paper..
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@Schmoodles: If I ever have a heart attack, I'm deleting my internet history before I call an ambulance. Better safe than sorry.
@sofarrsogud: Me: Honey, I left work early to pick up the kids! Wife: But we d.. *I arrive into the kitchen with two small goats Meet Frank and Dolores
@stats_canada: 66% of Canadians were unimpressed with "The Revenant", or as it's known in Canada, "Pretty Average Day"
@_Tempo11: [voice recognition in car] Car: "please say a command" Me: "call Tim" Car: "calling Sarah Marcogliese"