The filling in fortune cookies tastes like paper..
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As a kid, I had to be careful not to curse around adults. Now as an adult, I have to be careful not to curse around kids.
The worst part of Aquaman’s day is when he has to kill time on land for half an hour after eating a meal.
Morbius is the highest grossing Morbius movie to DATE!
Dentist: “When was the last time you flossed?”
Me: “BRO, you were there.”
Nature Valley granola bar: 42 grams
Crumbs left after eating it: 43 grams
big fan of the comma, just great. like look, i just made you pause the sentence as you read it. oh look, i just did it again.
If you’re looking for a woman whose problem solving skills include plugging the power strip back into itself to use the outlet it’s in, hit me up.
Ron Swanson with nurse:
Is there a history of mental health disorders in your family?
“I have an uncle who does yoga”
my dad hates when i spend money on take out and loves to complain while he’s eating the onion rings i just paid for
Screech up to a yard sale. Ask if they have any haunted amulets. Yell at the dog in your backseat, “I’m GETTING the spell reversed, Greg!”
Oh he looks allergic to me. I’ll go sit on him
~ cats
I probably shouldn’t say this, but if you googled “how to NOT get away with murdering somebody” and then just did the opposite there’s no way the cops could make you a suspect
Her: You’re so skeptical of everything.
Me: I can’t believe you just said that.
Therapist: U need some tools to cope with ur anger
Me: Like a sledgehammer?
T: No. More like breathing-
M: Fire? Can u make me breathe fire?
You look like the kinda person who eats the DO NOT EAT silica packets
Naming a dog after alcohol is cute until they run away and you scream their name until your neighbor brings you a bottle to shut you up.
Life is about experiences. First kisses. Books that change you. Self-medication. Dogs telling you to set things on fire.
Every time my boyfriend and I break up, we get back together for half the length of our previous relationship. My friends say it’s unhealthy, but as a student of mathematics, I know it’s bound to end in a finite amount of time.
Saying veganism is too expensive is kind of dumb because like, rabbits do it and they don’t even have jobs
her: i only eat like once a day it’s called intermittent fasting
me: oh what do you do the rest of the day?
her: adderall
Well, if anything, the Mayans DID teach us ONE valuable lesson.
If you don’t finish something…it’s really not the end of the world.
Instead of getting annoyed, that stranger should have thanked me for tweezing his unruly ear hair.
IAN: I broke my leg once
ME: I’ve never broken a bone, touch wood [touches wood]
THE UNIVERSE: THIS MAN WILL NEVER BREAK A BONE
my kids teacher via zoom: division is multiplication backwards
me: (in distant background) holy shit.
Hubs: You’re home all day, why isn’t the house clean?
Me: You’re at work all day, why aren’t we rich?
Hubs: Touché
Therapist: How are you feeling?
Me: Rage
Therapist: What is bringing you rage?
Me: My kids, my husband, the sound the refrigerator makes, the endless laundry, zoom calls and the debilitating fear of contracting Covid-19. Oh and I miss Starbucks and the outside world.
My kid: “Mommy, can you teach me how to pick a lock?”
Me, on the other side of the bathroom door: “No.”
Adultry does not sound fun at all