the fire alarm is to warn the fire that the fire department is coming
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Date: I like old fashioned guys
Me: I have polio
Husband just told our daughter we were going hiking “near the place where mommy had to pee outside”
The real reason the Mayan civilization collapsed is they never updated their Adobe.
*being wrestled away from mall santa by security* u hav TWO WEEKS until deadline and ur out here doing PHOTO OPS?! WHOS DOINGE THE REAL WORK
The Wicked Witch was only evil because of her awful sex life. Ladies, you’d be pissed off, too, if getting even a little wet would kill you.
Me: I was watching this great reality show where the husband, wife, and kids were at each other’s throat over everything. It was great drama! Then you interrupted me.
Cop: That was your neighbors mail slot. Hands behind your back.
Part of the fun of buying a new house is exploring what the previous owners left behind. Old pennants, newspapers, grandma, etc.
5 made a window cling, and it’s the most corrupt Sun I’ve ever seen.
Dinosaurs, consider yourselves avenged
[me buying something stupid and don’t need that’s $7.99] cool it’s only seven bucks
[me later] can’t believe i wasted ten bucks on this
Putting glasses on a Mr. Potato Head and asking if he’s just gonna be a spec tater his whole life.
I spend a lot of time alone
Yelp is a fun game where you try to guess between whether a restaurant is bad or a reviewer is crazy.
☠️☠️☠️
[Job Interview]
“It says here under skills, that you can eat rice?”*Eats rice with chop sticks*
“Holy shit! When can you start?!”
Me: A storm is coming
My wife: Do you have to say that every time our kids wake up?
Well well well…
*thumb wrapped in giant bandage*
CW: Oh my God, what happened?
Me: Never challenge a hitchhiker to a thumb war.
Thanks for nothing autocorrect, I’m never gonna get chicks being a “homeless romantic”.
me: want the stick
dog: not really
me: fetch the stick
dog: why would I do that
me: fetch it boy
dog: that seems pointless
me: [throws stick]
dog: oh cool now neither of us has a stick
You don’t serve tuna do you?
“No sir, we don’t serve fish here”
*A family of tuna in fake mustaches whistles innocently at another table*
reasons why people don’t want to return to offices:
-unpaid travel
-packing lunch
-the bear in the conference room
-dress codes
-the bear stole my lunch
-someone help
-my boss told me to take it up with hr
-it’s eating my sandwich
-code switching
A walk of shame is always sad. Don’t make it worse by adding the sound of Flip flops to it.
(Date)
Me: Sorry I have terrible anxiety and get picnic attacks.Her: You mean panic attacks?
Me: *pulling basket out* Oh god make it stop
Sitting in a restaurant, a girl walked in and yelled SOMEONE DECIDED TO MARRY ME *twirls and air kicks* then walked out
SECURITY GUARD: “Sir, I have to check all backpacks”
ME: “ok”
*opens backpack*
*its full of hundreds of tiny backpacks*
I learned about self care from watching my cat.
me: this is dave. every word he says is brilliant
friend: hi dave
dave: brilliant
If something rolls off of my plate… I eat it first, as punishment for trying to run away.
me: I carry a lot of stress right here
masseuse: this is a brain scan
For years I’ve been needlessly struggling w/ not having enough money until an internet commenter changed my life by telling me to work hard