@ElleOhHell: The first 600 years or so of heaven is just harp lessons
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@RichardDawkins: Don't ask God to cure cancer & world poverty. He's too busy finding you a parking space & fixing the weather for your barbecue.
@MarkAgee: I feel like Donald Trump and Bill Clinton have a $1 bet that Trump can make Hillary president and Bill can make her not president.
@jollyrobber: I can tell by the dents & busted tail light on your car you are serious about making this lane change work for you come Hell or high water.
@: wife: [watching the news] some idiot tried to fight a squid at the aquarium me: [covered in ink] maybe the squid was being a dick