The first 600 years or so of heaven is just harp lessons
You Might Also Like
Interviewer: Why do you think you’d make a good waiter?
Me: (says nothing)
Interviewer: are you…waiting?
Me: *nods*
Interviewer: holy shit
Why is fruit so expensive?
I want some raspberries, not the tears of Jesus.
I am not the person I thought I was when I cut that donut in half.
[before Toto]
Rain down in Africa: *sneezes*
Therapist: and how are you now?
Morgan Freeman: I am fine
Morgan Freeman: but Morgan Freeman was not fine
Therapist: I’m sorry what?
When CNN says they’re “breaking news” they are, in a sense, right.
Every kid in my second grader’s class is assigned a “job” each week, most are things like watering the plants or sharpening pencils but one of the jobs is “tech support” because every 7-year-old knows more about technology than the teacher.
If bedbugs live in your bed then what the hell are cockroaches
Coffee is cheaper than bail
Starbucks – You sure about that?
I like my men like I like my coffee: encouraging my bowel movements
*pulls all the hair out of my brush and places it all over my dog*
coming to theaters soon: Dawn of the Rise of the Dawn of the Planet of the Rise of the Rise of the Dawn of the Apes
According to murder documentaries literally nobody expects “… evil to be lurking in the shadows of a sleepy, rural town.”
Feeling so jealous of the students in stone age. They didn’t have to study history too much because nothing had happened yet.
Me)Print
Printer)No
Me)Print
Printer)No
Me)PRINT
Printer)No
Me)PRINT!!!
Printer)Here’s 8,000
[Meeting]
CEO: as u can see [points to graph w laser] we-
BUSINESS CAT:[comes flying across table & just crashes right into a photocopier]
stadium announcer: “STADIUM!”
me: am I awake or dreaming
a giant dragonfly, setting down his tea cup: honestly idk what this is
Common crooks Rob banks. Classy thieves Robert banks.
We’re just never going to talk about the fact Mufasa and Scar are brothers but have entirely different accents?
Some of my best friends started out as bad choices.
Neighbor found religion and I found spirits.
If Facebook changed “poke” to “stab” I would use it all the time.
Swing states aren’t as much fun as they sound.
I’m sorry I laughed when you said my cannibal joke was in poor taste.
Rules for a happy marriage:
3. Separate bank accounts
2. Separate data plans
1. Separate bathrooms
Date: Want to go back to my place and get naughty?
Me: Nice try, Santa.
Listen, all I’m saying is that fish either don’t bathe at all or they constantly bathe. It can’t be both.
PRIEST: Those are your vows?
when you see warnings on the 3D glasses from the movies that says “do not use to view eclipse” that’s because of me
Mornin