The first bird to chew food for her kids was probably just trying to leave for work on time.
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We’ve replaced the names of the foreign countries & leaders in Trump’s speech with the names of IKEA® furniture. Let’s see if he notices
Two things I have learned at the beach:
1. Surfers are some of the nicest humans on the planet
2. Pelicans are the honey badgers of the bird world. If you’re standing next to a fish in the ocean, they don’t care one bit. They’ll dive & splash one foot from you & eat that fish.
FOMO so bad I choose to be cremated and put in an hourglass so I can still participate in game night after I die
“No use crying over spilled milk” was coined by someone who didn’t have a 3yo who played with her milk. They didn’t have to deal with asking the 3yo to stop playing with her milk. And they def didn’t have to clean the spilled milk.
So you’re damn right I cried over spilled milk.
What I say:
Please don’t jump on the sofa arm.What they hear:
Kids, this is a pommel horse. Enjoy.
washing hands before coronavirus:
– turn on water
– quickly rinse fingertips
– look at soap
– turn off waterwashing hands after coronavirus:
– turn on water
– climb in sink
– cover entire body in soap
– take a few swigs of soap
– mind meld with soap
– you and soap are now one
Hold that thought while I slip into something more comfortable.
*moves to Fiji*
*watching a billionaire above me burn 300 gallons of fuel flying to applebees* oh no i didn’t bring my own bag to the store
Stages of Candle Burning
1: this smells nice
2: still smells nice
3: this is all I can smell now
4: this is the only scent I have ever known
The answer to the question, “do these jeans still fit” depends on whether or not I actually have to sit down at any point.
them: ok so we’ve developed the most dangerous parking lot imaginable
trader joe: make the lanes even narrower
them: done
tj: make sure there are lots of blind spots
them: you got it
tj: *snorts coke* lets pay some people to back out of parking spots at 30 mph
genie: wishes should be limited
monkeys paw: and come with consequences
shooting star: don’t forget rare
birthday candle: yeah and secret
dandelion: ok you guys need to relax
My son is screaming his head off in his room but there’s no way I’m going in there if his monster reports are true.
I’m buying a telescope so I can sell it at a garage sale in six years
Lawyer: do you watch people use the bathroom?
Defendant: no
Lawyer: spell “ICUP”
Defendant: I-C-U-P
Judge: *softly* omg
Jury: *whispering*
Create a time machine to the 70s by carpeting your entire toilet.
I like to hang out with people way out of my league so no one catches feelings.
I worked at Subway many years ago and one night a lady brought in her own cheese for me to use on her sub
I don’t work for the health department so I did it anyway
I went to a club called Innuendos last night. I’m banned but managed to slip in the back doors.
*valentine’s night*
Me: I got you a new pair of shoes
Her: *crying* I sold my feet to buy you these earrings!
Me: *also begins to cry* I can’t hear you
My girlfriend is pissed that I just matched with her on Tinder.
You know you spend too much time with your kids when there’s Sesame Street music in your head while mentally undressing women.
I asked my cat if they communicate by meowing, he didn’t answer, a couple minutes later I sneezed and he jumped off the chair looked back in disgust and meowed, I think we all know what he said…
I had a dream where I thought I had rats in my bed but it turned out to be a passel of wiener dogs. If my subconscious mind were a person, I’d want it in jail.
For a gentleman, Shakespeare really knew how to spread those thy’s.
my dog is like me. you can call her and make all the kissy noises you want , she ain’t coming unless it’s her idea.
im always more attracted to women wearing glasses, like deep down i know naturally poor eyesight provides my best chances
There are 363 days till Christmas and people already have their Christmas lights up.
Unbelievable.
i thought lingerie was a type of noodle
Judge: State your name.
Me: Not Guilty
Judge: What?
Me: I had it legally changed.
Judge: You’re Not Guilty?
Me: *moonwalks outta there*