*The First Ever Rodeo
“…Does anyone know what we’re supposed to do?”
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Well if you cant buy babys at Babys R Us what in the world do they sell?
The children of the corn are probably the grandparents of the corn now. Like “no Billy Bob, only kill him a little, grandpa’s got enough for the blood sacrifice”
Scrooge: you there, girl, what day is it?
Rebecca Black: *inhales*
my answer to the age old ‘trolley problem’ ? I would simply also lay down on the tracks.
Son, your insistence on dismembering all of your siblings is tearing this family apart!
[describing criminal to sketch artist] He had the damp chest of a man with an excessive lisp. He was eating a newspaper.
Lady next to me in 50 Shades pulled out her glasses & asked if she missed the good part. I said no, the credits weren’t rolling yet.
Cake is healthy because it’s baked and not fried
[Calling a guy for the 1st time]
Him: Hello
Me: Helloooooo!!! *in Mrs. Doubtfire’s voice*
*panics, hangs up*
Never underestimate the power of a group of idiots.
the warning on my razor says “for external use only” and now I have questions
Neighbor found religion and I found spirits.
[furious with son]
wife: what happened?
me: he talks back to me and is insulting me in Spanish
[son from room] yolo isn’t spanish
me: ya see
I can also cook 😂
Boss: You’re fired
Me: *turns in my gun and my badge*
Boss: You’re a waiter where did you get those
Do not ask for who the bell tolls because it’s whom you monster
One of the best parts of marriage is having someone to hate the couples on House Hunters with.
“I don’t see things as half full or half empty. I try to be optimistic!”
-Me explaining to my husband why I ran out of gas.
*corruptly eats pizza with a spork*
Cars come with warnings to check the back seat for babies now.
I always do and frankly, I’ll be lowkey terrified if I ever find one.
I used to mix metaphors but that ship has flown.
This is your captain speaking. Would someone who knows how to be a pilot please come up? I’m literally just pressing buttons.
I’m old enough to remember when Oreos came in one flavor: “Oreo.”
I just found a human tooth and a pair of underwear in my purse. I might be a serial killer or I might be a mom, you’ll never know.
My oldest made us all breakfast this morning, then got mad when his little brother didn’t finish the meal he had worked so hard to create.
I think I’m on to something here…
Husband: Do you like it hard or soft?
Wife: You know I like it hard-parents passing taco shells on a wild Tuesday night
excited for my first day at at&t as a network engineer supporting national infrastructure. just unplugged a few things in the server room for my space heater. it’s cold in here. should be fine though
Me: I took two naps today and was just falling asleep again.
Him: I can think of something to wake you up. *wraggles eyebrows*
Me: Is it food?
Eve: Wrong hole!
Adam: Sorry, it’s my first time. How do U know it’s the wrong hole? No one has done this before, it’s just us two you know
[me, stacking babies on top of each other]
Him: Wha…What are you doin there?
Me: Oh, you know, just building up the infant structure.