I don’t throw anything out anymore I just go to TGIFriday’s once a month and glue more shit to the wall no one notices try it
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Me: The cool thing about writing is that you learn a lot about yourself.
*learns a lot about myself*
Me: aaaaaaaaaAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
ME: The enmity we feel toward someone with our name who spells it differently is just silly.
ALLISON: I agr-
ME: WHO ASKED YOU TWO L’s?!
To the goth guy in my college dining hall who always ate waffles: I’m sorry I only knew you as “Waffle Goth.” You were surely more complex.
please don’t celebrate april fools’ day if you’re not a fool ❤️ my culture is not your costume
ME: I hate owls
[Owl turns his head 180°]
OWL: What?
ME: Oh I didn’t see you there
OWL: Are you talking behind my back?
ME: I’m…I’m not sure
society: let’s give mothers their very own day
me: what about sharks?
society: we’ll give them a whole week
I caught my son punching his sister and he said, “I didn’t punch her, I just poked her arm with my knuckles.”
If escape artist lying was a thing, then my son would be Houdini.
I can’t watch movies made before 1998 because the gas prices in the background of scenes make me too angry
Me: are you ready?
Husband: yes
Me: great, I got myself and the kids ready and everything’s packed up and we’ll actually be on time if we leave right this second, let’s get in the car-
Husband: okay, just need to hop in the shower real quick
The company CEO gives a few words of personal appreciation each year at the holiday party.
I got, “Oh, you’re still here?”
Doctor: You’re sick
Me: Yeah?
Doctor: *heelying away* But not sick enough
Me: Awww
Restaurants: put your phone down. Live in the moment. Scan our QR code and browse our wares or starve
Buying a new phone isn’t even satisfying anymore. It’s literally just your old phone with a haircut.
We can’t do civil war yet. I don’t have the right outfit.
[china shop]
Bull: *walks in*
Shopkeeper: oh no
Bull: I’d like to speak to your manager
Shopkeeper: OH NO
I put my pants on just like everyone else.
When the manager at Chili’s asks me to.
My kids just deliberated over which pumpkins to pick at the patch for longer than I deliberated whether to get pregnant with them.
Me: You’re adopted
Ted: What? How long have I been a dop
ME: thanks for “showing me the ropes” lol
SAILING INSTRUCTOR: you’re not even making a joke sailing is literally where that comes from
It’s just sad how often I see zookeepers breaking their own “Don’t Feed the Animals” rule.
Harder!
Faster!
A little to the left.
Yeah, that’s the spot.Me, watching my husband scrub the shower.
Why are you being weird about how we made eye contact and both smiled and then I took the form of an actual bat and chased you for 11 miles
I just ran into my high school bully and it was great cause I’m doing well and he’s 17 which is very old for a dog
Never go to a combination dentist / proctologist…..
but if you do, get the dental work first.
what i mean when i say i’m rolling myself a fat one
watching pre pandemic television during the pandemic
I’m eating a vegan lunch today. Sure, it’s six sleeves of Smarties and a Diet Coke, but I’m still better than you.
My laugh is like what you’d hear if a hyena and seal were mating and it wasn’t going very well.
[waffle house]
Waitress: how do u like your eggs
Me: hatched and with their families
W: no how do u like them cooked
M: [spits out coffee]
Me: My therapist says I use sex for validation.
Parking garage attendant: Not here you don’t, pal.