The first guy to ever throw water at girl in a white shirt probably broke the record for the number of high-fives received in one minute.
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The smoothest fall of all time
Don’t wait until tomorrow to be a good person. Wait until next Thursday
Me: Do you love me?
Husband: What did you break this time?
My husband got a notification that “there’s a familiar face” at the door.
It was the Amazon delivery guy, y’all.
Wife: Let’s spice things up in the bedroom.
Me: Hey baby, I’ll tikka your masala. Heh.
Wife: Absolutely not like that.
My wife still brings up that one time in March 2015 I complained of tired legs while she was in labor
To the driver of the truck with the ENVYME vanity plate who took up two spaces and left me nowhere to park: Why would I envy someone with four freshly deflated tires?
“No one told me we were picking weapons today. What’s left?”
– Donatello
Mary had a little lamb.
The doctor fainted.
My 5-year-old loves pickles so much that I have to cut her off like she’s some drunk dude at a bar, “you’ve had enough, buddy.”
My wife tried on my cargo shorts and now they have fake pockets.
10yo: How do you make a math book happy?
Me: IDK. How?
10yo: Solve the problems.
Someone give her a Dad Card. She’s ready.
cool hat i found in the hospital bathroom for a cowboy like myself
Whoever put the ‘b’ in subtle was a clever bastard.
You know what I really like about you, girl? You’re really down to earth. *waits for response, nothing. Goes to next tombstone* You know wha
I like when the doctor says nice things about me (cool shoes) and I don’t like when the doctor says mean things about me (bad cholesterol, need more exercise, drink less, actually the shoes suck)
There is no such thing as an antique car. An antique car is a horse.
If I had to homeschool kids because of the pandemic, recess would be 6 hours long.
Policeman:”Sir, we have sufficient evidence to believe that this vehicle has been stolen.
Me: how
Policeman: Step out of the tank Sir
I’m not saying Goldilocks was a piece of shit, but she broke into someone’s house and just started eating their breakfast.
In case you’re wondering if humans will be able to overcome the virus, remember we are talking about the species that presses harder on the remote control buttons when the battery is dead.
[On my death bed]
My son: Before you go, could you make me pancakes?
CAPTCHA: Select all tiles with chameleons.
ME: Oh no.
*puts wine in cart*
*crosses “wine” off the list my wife gave me*
*puts more wine in cart*
*crosses “more wine” off the list my wife gave me*
My boss is getting the whole team a license to kill, hoping that we’ll Bond.
The human mind is capable of things you can’t even imagine.
Which is a bit of a design flaw really.
“Are you on Facebook?”
“No, but I’m on..
(don’t say twitter, don’t say twitter)
..Mescaline”
(Nailed it)
THEM: Hey–
ME: Ring ring. I gotta take this.
THEM: I just watched you say “ring ring.”
ME: Ring ring. Yeah, this is really important.
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!-Amish drive by
It’s like the police helicopter that’s been circling my neighborhood for an hour doesn’t even care about us unemployed people trying to watch TV.