People who say having a dog is nothing like having kids have obviously never been to one of my dog’s piano recitals.
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jesus, what did this guy do
One of life’s great pleasures is to watch two idiots agree on something and then hear one of them say “Great minds think alike”.
My personal brand is being the guest at a wedding who can’t dance but puts in a noticeable effort.
I don’t have anybody to eat dinner with so I share my dinner with the sky chickens.
My Neighbor- * Yelling from a distance*
Dam it! Would you please stop feeding the seagulls. They keep shitting on my Jeep.
Some mistakes you only make once, like sniffing your kids’ clothes to see if they’re dirty or clean
Pro tip:
Ensure that you never have to spend the holidays at your mother-in-law’s again by telling her that her cooking tastes “institutional.”
Anyone else notice your clothes only get caught on door handles when you are already angry or annoyed???
God: And they will have relationships full of love, commitment, and passion
Angel: Sounds perfect
God: Lol, they have to pick two of three
Nightmares are so embarrassing bro, like u literally made up a guy and got scared of him.
wife: where are the beans?
me: i made phones with the cans.
wife: can i talk to you in the kitchen?
small voice echoing from the kitchen: you can now.
Going for a walk because I want to stay healthy. Taking along a box of M&M’s because let’s be honest here.
Officer: I’ll need to see a photo ID.
Me: (pulling out a selfie at an R.E.M. concert) That’s me in the corner. That’s me in the spotlight.
I often think about the time my ex thought I was cheating on him with a craft store
-Sorry I was sick and missed your party.
-It’s next Saturday.
-Sorry I’m going to get sick and miss your party.
*Uses 3 gallons of water to rinse out yogurt container so it can go into recycling bin
Everyone’s an atheist until they’re making a phone call & praying it goes to voicemail
My kitchen overserved me.
5-year-old: What happens if the baby pees?
Pregnant wife: She won’t. She waits till she’s born
5: Right. Just like no one pees in the pool
Waiter, there appears to be a red bandana in my turtle soup.
People who say having a dog is nothing like having kids have obviously never been to one of my dog’s piano recitals.
Best mom ever 😂
Cop: “We’ll catch the guy who murdered your husband.”
Tina: “My husband was murdered?!”
Cop: “Shit! Sorry… I have some bad news…”
You know who DOES see something wrong with a little bump n’ grind?
Trevor in human resources.
Don’t tell me you’re into the Halloween spirit unless you go into a haunted house willing to die.
[Baby shower]
Mom-to-be, opening my gift: What’s this?
Me: A lock box.
MTB: For what?
Me: Your office supplies: tape, scissors, pens…
MTB:
Me: You’ll thank me in 5 years.
Worth remembering.
My go-to office prank is to sneak onto someone’s unattended Facebook page and post “I’m undecided, which should I get, iPhone or Android?”
It’s not a walk of shame if you do the Macarena to your car.
After watching “101 Dalmations” I hoped my dog’s barking was to help others, but I think she is just spreading gossip.