Not to brag, but my antics at work resulted in several items being added to the employee manual.
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As a teen: hiding in the shed, secretly drinking.
As a dad: hiding in the shed, secretly drinking.
“Miss Yates, why didn’t Sam and Frodo just use the eagles to fly the ring to Mount Doom?” – Ted Cruz.
“I knew Jesus when he was just a carpenter.”
-the first hipster
My kid asked me for a boomerang so I handed him the apple that has gone back and forth in his lunch for the past week
the metric system will never catch on here because too many Americans are into feet
I am a man with convictions.
Mostly because I have a really terrible lawyer.
My brain is a bad influence on me
Walks up in da club like
“Has anyone seen my Mom? She’ll be the one trying to cover up everyone’s cleavage.”
the prime minister is a minister that is not divisible by any other minister
I can’t believe how different life was before
*googles*
Al Gore invented the Internet
[ during sex ]
Can we make a food baby? I’m hungry.
whenever i watch the tv show Friends, i imagine im the seventh friend, Dirk, who just stays home while all his friends do stuff without him
[eating an entire extra large pizza to myself]
ME: *hears a knock on the door* THIS STALL IS TAKEN.
I have unresolved anger issues with all the pistachio nuts I ever failed to open.
Day 4: I’ve finally completed all my New Year’s resolutions from ’97.
I have 2 cats and 2 dogs so I feel comfortable giving parenting advice. Mostly you have to check how much protein there is in the bag before you buy them food.
[walks in meeting late]
“Sorry I was busy with important-”
SIRI (from pocket): OK here’s what I found on the web for are hot dogs sandwiches
killing the conversation in the discord by posting a picture of me eating an eggplant like an apple
My Dog: oh PLEASE please just give me a TASTE of your food just a MORSEL of that MEAL I’ve NEVER WANTED ANYTHING MORE
Me: *gives her a little bit*
My Dog: I have diarrhea
me: are you telling me how to raise my children?
necromancer: trying to, yeah
Boss: How were your weekends?
Steve: I coached my son’s soccer team
Alice: I helped friends move and volunteered at an animal shelter
Me: I dreamed my clothes were made of peanut butter and jelly
Doggo’s polite and subtle implication that he is interested in going for a walk
Million dollar idea: A Walmart, but with more than one register open
I want a 21 cinnamon bun salute at my funeral.
running feels great unless you compare it to not running
I hate when I skip lunch and come home and inhale my kitchen
[sams club]
ME: {wearing ski mask} This is a robbery!
LADY AT FRONT DOOR: Do you have your membership card?
ME: Uhh, I left it at home.
LADY: I’m sorry sir I can’t let you in.
ME: Please! I’ll be quick.
Monolith: look, when I booked this tour how could I have known 2020 would—
Monolith Travel Agent: I’m sorry, these are non-refundable tickets
someone please tell my husband that no one can hear him yelling driving tips at them from inside our car.
Nobody ever collects famous first words.