The first person to see a sunset was probably like well this ain’t good.
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*leper colony removes ‘A Farewell to Arms’ from it’s ‘suggested reading list’
My husband slowed down the car so he could check out someone’s well-manicured lawn. You see what I have to compete with?
CAMPING TIP: If you get lost in the woods, a compass can help you get lost more north.
Punctuation Matters. Period.
kid: i need pencils for school
me: what kind
kid: number 2
[later at the store]
me: do you have any shit pencils
A solid knife fighting strategy is to move clockwise in increasingly larger circles until you reach a safe running distance.
*my wife catches me in bed looking at an optical illusions book* HONEY, NO IT’S NOT WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE
HELLO POLICE, MY SON JUST TAUGHT CUT TO A LEGENDARY POKEMON I WANT HIM TRIED AS AN ADULT
“Has science finally gone too far,” I ask my hybrid pig falcon as we stare in disbelief at the latest Prius.
I don’t invite ppl in bc that’s how vampire dens come about.
This lady was being so rude to me in the grocery line so rather than say anything to her, I invited everyone behind her to go ahead of me. Today, I had time.
aliens took me up to on their ship but i have no time for that drama so i just jumped out
What’s the proper salutation to use when writing a resignation letter to your children?
-Your house is amazing. Why are u renting this cheap?
-It’s haunted by a low level demon
Demon: Wow I’m right here that is like so hurtful
You can buy a 48-pack of referee whistles on Amazon for $8. Give them to the kids of people you hate.
Grocery store: “Instead of buying a bunch of basil you can buy this basil plant and then you’ll have months’ worth of dead basil plant.”
Who called it oatmeal-raisin instead of a misfortune cookie?
As I was getting into bed she said: You’re drunk.
I said, how do you know?
She said, You live next door.
A tinder type app, but it matches you with sandwiches in the area.
Note to self: Take Mila Kunis picture off of vacuum before taking it in for service next time.
I can’t really explain it, but the second half of the alphabet is more exciting than the first.
{yard full of boys}
*pointing at milkshakeExterminator: there’s your problem
I hate handshakes. The bones really mess up the blender and the knuckles are hard to swallow.
My therapist puts her toilet paper roll on upside down, yet somehow I’m the crazy one?
Never had my own stalker before. Kinda exciting, kinda scary. 2½ stars – might recommend.*
*mostly dependent on them not killing me horribly before I can
Celery is depressing green water wafers.
Was folding laundry and accidentally folded myself into a shirt and gently tucked myself into the drawer and then softly closed it???
I am glad that things are opening up again. Now when I get told to go play in traffic, there actually is traffic.
Sup girl, I hear u like bad boys
*I open the wrong side of juice carton*
*evil spirit flies out*
Oh, so that’s why they say don’t do that
Me: You were supposed to be cleaning up your room before bed.
9: I want a hug
Me: I’ll never say no to hugs, but your timing is very suspicious.