Breakfast Club: don’t you forget about me
Fight Club: forget you have a whole other personality
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“Regardless of what Newton said, gravity is really just a theory that you humans choose to accept as fact. If you simply refuse to take it as a given, then the whole paradigm shifts. Anyway Brenda, if you’ve got a minute, the litter in my box could really use a change.”
I saw a car flipped over on the way to work and I was envious because they probably get to take the day off
Hypnotist: Look deep into my eyes
Optometrist: I am please stop talking
Me: (filling the medicine cabinet with ping pong balls)
Him: What are you doing?
Me: I invited your family over for dinner tonight.
My girlfriend is pissed that I just matched with her on Tinder.
“I just ate a vegetarian meal” sounds so much healthier than “I just ate two full sleeves of Oreos.”
My cat sat up from a dead sleep and stared, frantic toward the empty basement laundry room so I guess I’ll be buying a new house now.
Me: so I’ve been a little unclear regarding everything you’ve asked me to do since Monday
Boss: Jesus
Me: let me finish. In February. 2011.
Stood in front of a dollar store and waited way too long for the *automatic* door to open before I realized my mistake.
Then I did it again on my way out. I can never go back there.
My wife suggested we go to the pub separately & relive our 1st date.
So she walked over to me and said “can I buy you a drink?”
I replied “sorry I’m married.”
You can tell they named the aardvark early in the week and the anteater on a Friday.
[police lineup]
Cop: Number 3, say, “Gimme your purse, you old hag.”
Me: You’ve got it wrong. I said “old woman,” not “old hag.”
When people start their sentence with the word ‘Listen’ I think maybe they don’t understand how conversations work.
If taking off your pants doesn’t solve your problems, get different problems.
Having a tea party is fun until your daughter tells you that she got the water from the toilet
Ah to be a little slug on a day like today. The rain is out. No cares in the world. Time for slime.
Somebody called me a free spirit today and my heart leapt as I turned back to my paperwork.
I just had a customer shout at me OVER THE SOUND OF THE FIRE ALARM that it didn’t sound “right” so they “legally” didn’t have to leave
Just once i want to meet this mythical “always right” customer I BEG
‘My Dad was asking me how was the Duo Lingo concert?’
opening and closing my bank account like I do the fridge hoping things will improve
Group of 12 year old girls: We’re scared of boys. Me: OMG, me tooooooo!
her: I’ve packed my bags. I’m leaving you
him: ok but you’re gonna need more than just bags
Director: so, you’ll be playing this regular guy…
Johnny Depp: no thanks.
me: anything interesting happen today?
my 8yo: I finally got a booger out of my nose that’s been there since I was 5.
Once nice thing about working from home? I can be asleep in bed, realize I have a meeting in three minutes, and be dressed and in front of my computer two and a half minutes later. Still drunk, mind you, but dressed.
channeling her this year
John Bobbitt: How long has it been since you last did one of these, doc?
Plastic Surgeon: Well, it has been a while. But I’m sure I can re-member.
dutch so unserious
I’ve had so much cough medicine and this has me in tears
The only phrase you need to learn in any foreign language is, “I know you guys are talking shit about me!”