[GOD CREATING DUCKS]
Give that chicken a kazoo.
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Drunk me tried to tear up all your photos and sober me had to buy a new phone screen.
Police: How did they break in?
Me: I have a fake garden rock w/a key inside.
Police: They found it?
Me: They threw it through the window.
Since instagram is down I’m not sure if there was a sunrise today or if anyone ate any food? I feel lost.
“I wouldn’t wish that on my worst enemy ” well I would. Step aside
“I want this one, but look at this one, oh, but this one is my FAVORITE!”-
-my kids looking through Christmas catalogs or me driving past multi-million dollar houses
I’m Sold!
It’s not a walk of shame if you leave on a pogo stick.
When my kids were little they’d say the cleverest things to total strangers like, “My mom drove into the garage door when it was shut.”
My girlfriend told me she’s “spotting” and I’m like yeah right for who? You can’t even bench 50 Lbs lol
Teach a man to fish and he will evolve to become so skilled at it that he destroys the ocean and kills every last fish. Nice one education.
Was voted “Most Needy” in my high school yearbook. Practically had to beg them for it.
“Just how serious are you about keeping me as a customer?”
*slides hand across table to take a second promotional pen
getting into an accident in GTA and making my character get out of the car to exchange insurance information with the other driver
Neat, your girlfriend is made out of the same stuff as your air guitar!
Do yourself a favour: get a dog. Before I got a dog I was ridiculed for walking around with a bag of shit
When you’re pushing 40, the real life challenge is to find the pic angle where you don’t look like Jabba the Hut.
Trader Joe’s: What if pumpkin had a baby with everything?
it’s gotta be as much fun for a slinky to go down an escalator as it is for a human to walk on a treadmill
My mom wants to see 50 Shades of Gray with me… I screamed, “OH HELL NO” and suggested we see Cinderella instead.
If the US admits that Trump’s presidential campaign is a hoax then Australia will come clean about the platypus.
Please stop putting flyers on my windshield in parking lots. I have no desire to see your new band called “Parking Violation”.
They say children are a gift from god. I’m totally wide-open to regifting.
If everybody was happy in relationship there wouldn’t be any good music.
Meteorologist: Dress for the 70s today.
Me: Okay.
If someone asks you a question you don’t want to answer just say, “I don’t know. I ran into a sliding glass door and knocked myself out, and now I’m having trouble remembering things.” That will get them off your back for a week.
my parents’ wedding videographer intercut a clip from kermit and miss piggy’s wedding into their service?? without asking???
People who end their sentences with Latin abbreviations usually don’t know what they’re talking about et al.