PROFESSOR X: Quick! Magneto, save that bus full of kids!
MAGENTO: I think you’ve got the wrong guy. *turns everything purple*
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Boss: You gonna get any work done today?
Me: Sorry Boss, I was up late watching the game, I’ll pick it up.
B: Who won?
M: Jack Daniels
Airport security doesn’t let you through with a wine opener, apparently. Even if you tell them, “It’s okay, I’m just a harmless alcoholic.”
me: *sees bags of soil stacked in garden center
brain: slap ‘em, slap ‘em hard
Sister: have you met any nice men lately?
Me: we are failing the Bechdel test.
While I appreciate your candor, I am not sure what you propose I do with my opinion is physically possible.
[talking to daughter’s art major boyfriend]
“You know who else had a pointy beard? Satan.”
In the 1930s, there was an outbreak of exploding trousers in New Zealand. Farmers had used a herbicide that became explosive when it dried.
if you wear a bikini top instead of a bra you can go out with wet hair & people will think you just went swimming which is athletic not lazy
It was the worst of times, it was the worst of times.
-2020
Me: Phone a friend
Judge: That’s not how this works
I didn’t really mind the voices in my head until one of them started their own podcast
I have 39 calories left for the day. I think I might just open the ice cream and smell it.
Remember kids, you miss 100% of the shots you don’t drink.
Bake cookies and the house smells good for 20 minutes.
Bake fish and 4 months later the house still smells like an episode of Deadliest Catch.
Don’t make me mad or so help me, I will become the 70th like on all of your future tweets.
A truck just flipped a dead squirrel onto my windshield and it’s stuck in my wiper.
I guess I don’t have to stop to get supper tonight.
i shouldn’t have written “never change” in all those boys’ yearbooks in high school, seems like some of them took my advice
if a job listing has “rockstar” anywhere in the description: run.
Rick Astley will let you borrow any movie from his Pixar collection except for one. He’s never gonna give you Up.
*trying to sound cool to my son at dinner* bruh these vegetables be good AF
People who sleep on the floor in a tent, build fires, poop in a hole and fight off bears…there is another way.
I miss being able to study with complete focus for hours. Now I read one sentence and check my phone to see if penguins have legs or just feet
Found a subreddit where they just post photos of TVs that are too high on the wall
“I need a car. What do you have?”
“Well, we have a Subaru Outback”
“But what kind of Subaru?”
“Outback”
“I don’t CARE where you keep it…”
An egg looks at another egg and says:
“Why are you so hairy?”
“Shut up, I’m a kiwi!”
#RubbishJokes #TuesdayVibe
My son feels about broccoli the way I feel about having to make a phone call.
*Neil Armstrong sets foot on moon:
“NO… BIG… QUOTE… PLANNED… AND… NOTHING… SPRINGS… TO… MIND”Houston: Did you say “That’s one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind”?
…
…
Neil Armstrong: uuuh, yes, yes I did
What idiot called it jousting and not poker knight?