Daytime tornado warning: grab phone, radio, & flashlights, get to shelter immediately
Nighttime tornado warning: if I wake up in Oz, so be it
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Don’t let anyone treat you like yesterdays reheated spaghetti.
Cellmate: What are you in for?
Me: The free food and healthcare
I sexually identify as that one flickering letter on the neon motel sign.
I found love at ninja school.
Yeah it just crept up on me and totally took me by surprise.
Unpopular Opinion: the wooden ball inside an avocado is a seed
When Godzilla keeps knocking down stuff that you can’t even reach.
Maybe cats always look like they’re planning our demise because we keep calling them things like mrs snugglepaws the second
A closed mouth gathers no fries.
*puts dreamcatcher above bed*
“Sure hope this works”
*wakes up in the middle of the night*
*Ryan Gosling is stuck in dreamcatcher*
“YES”
Jesus: this is my body
disciples: *eat bread*
Jesus: this is my blood
disciples: *drink wine*
Jesus: I also made brownies
Judas: but I have diabetes
Jesus: huh. Well, isn’t this a shame *holds eye contact while eating a brownie* shame, shame, shame
I’m not alone. I have ants.
My surgeon said NO drinking for 24 hours, then we both laughed.
23rd Century Scientist: We’re sending you to 1889 to kill baby Hitler. Four words: Stick. To. The. Mission.
Henry Ford: Yes, sir.
Q: My daughter will not eat fish, what can I replace it with?
A: A cat. Cats love fish.
If you feel like you hate everyone, eat.
If you feel like everyone hates you, sleep.
If you feel like you hate yourself, shower.
If you feel like everyone hates everyone, go outside.
When your spouse comes to you excited about a toilet seat, it’s best to remind yourself this person will most likely decide when to pull your life support plug someday so you get excited with them about that toilet seat.
[shower song] Im all outta Dove
Im soapless without you
I’ll never get clean
Now that you are all gone
*grabs shampoo mic*
IM ALL OUTTA DOVE
Okay, OKAY, I’ll take “I did it all for the nookie” off my résumé.
Nonwriters: How do you write a book?
Writers: Well, you write and delete a lot. Then spend three hours researching, and correct it. Next you doubt your grasp on the english language and rewrite it again
Nonwriters: Then you’re done?
Writers: Then you start the next paragraph
[first date]
HER: So, I hear you’re a dog person-
ME: [tucking my tail between my legs] WHO TOLD YOU
“It’s a funeral”, they said. “Wear black”, they said. “Who’s the idiot dressed as Zorro?”, they said
*slides note across counter*
Cashier (whispers): No problem.
[over intercom system]
“THIS MAN NEEDS CUSTOMER ASSISTANCE WITH TAMPONS”
you learn something new every day oh god make it stop
describing a really tough guy to the police sketch artist bc im afraid to say a goose knocked me over and ran off with my car keys
ruin a date by talking about marriage and then following through on it
Spice Girls really missed out when they wouldn’t let that girl Pumpkin be in the group
We do it every night.
Annoy each other.
[invention of Moist Towelette]
So, we’ve got a product that everyone will use, now let’s give it a name nobody wants to say
police chief: you are using the police dogs wrong
me watching a dog bark at a criminal in the interrogation room: give him five more minutes
I just thought of something. If there’s a Heaven, all the cavemen are there too