The first rule of fight club is to ask her, “Is that what you’re wearing?”
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Some people throw pasta at the wall to see what sticks, while other people just learn how to cook pasta.
Trump is blaming Sanders supporters for the violence at his rally because you can’t truly be Hitler until you blame a Jew for your problems.
A horror movie, but it’s just me: struggling into my shape wear and then remembering I should’ve peed first.
One tricky thing about kids crying is trying to determine if they broke a crayon or got their arm stuck in a piece of farming equipment.
20’s: need to look cool when I go out
30’s: need to look cool and be comfortable when I go out
40’s: need to be comfortable when I go out
50’s: I don’t need to go out
[1 AM]
BRAIN: Let’s play the insomnia game.
ME: Nope. *downs NyQuil*
BRAIN: How dare you…
ME: *drifts off*
BRAIN: Begin diarrhea subroutine!
Person: Aw! How old is your dog?
Me: (whispering) I don’t know. (Covers dog’s ears) She’s adopted.
I can’t find my scrabble set and I’m honestly lost for words.
“Joe Biden and I are so close, some places in Indiana refuse to serve us pizza.” – President Obama
Babe are you okay? You’ve only opened one of your Amazon packages
If you are ever being attacked by a bear, be really mean to it. Just say some really messed up stuff about it. You’ll still die but that bear will be self-conscious from then on
[opening birthday presents]
me: …is this another dead cat?schrödinger: *way too excited* we don’t know until you open it!
Bon Jovi promising we were half way there 37 years ago is why I have trust issues
My neighbor and I stepped out at the same time, both of us dressed up for meetings. I nodded at him approvingly. He looked me up and down and grinned. I STILL GOT IT, I thought. Gave my presentation to 50 people. Get home only to realize my pants are inside out.
Always the sasquatch in chains in the back of a pick up truck, never the bride.
*kermit plays slayer on his banjo. a marsh pit breaks out*
The best part about getting older is now when my friends make me mad I just give their kids a gift that contains glitter.
The cast of Big Brother in Germany doesn’t know about covid-19 and they’re gonna tell them in a live TV special. I have to learn German by tomorrow.
Facebook friend: What a busy day! Aydyn had a soccer tournament and then we completely remodeled the kitchen, then we did a 20 mile bike ride and finished the day with reading 15 chapters of a book!
Me: *is impressed that I actually finished reading her post*
Pro tip: if you want to get away with one word replies in work emails, just change the signature in your desktop email to ‘Sent from my phone’
Asked him his height and he’s been typing for 2 minutes 🤨
Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.
QUIZ SHOW HOST: So, Trevor, what would you do if you won the £100,000 jackpot?
CONTESTANT: Well, my brother lives in Australia, I haven’t seen him for 15 years after we fell out, so I think I’d send him a picture of me with the money.
Can we take a moment to celebrate the little ride we get in the pneumatic chair at the hair salon or barber when they pump it up or down
I put my music on shuffle then get mad when it doesnt play the song I want.
if I had a girlfriend I’d cook a giant scallion pancake in the shape of a poncho just to keep her warm
Just printed out 50 copies of today’s weather forecast to carry around with me today because I’m just not in the mood for small talk.
hot panini’s mom is pissed, you guys.