“The first rule of Fight Club is: You do not talk-”
*Greg burps*
“-actually, you know what, Greg? It’s manners. The first rule is manners.”
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I like to stand next to a stranger on the elevator and whisper, “I read what you said on the internet.”
Me: Hope it’s ok if I sleep in the nude
Guy next to me on the plane: WTF dude?
When I die, I want to donate my hands and feet to become the hands and feet of a snowman so people will think “Wow that snowman has a person inside!” But as it slowly melts they will realize that it’s just my severed hands and feet.
14: Want to see what I drew today in Spanish?
Me: Why were you drawing in Spanish?
14:
Me:
14: …because I have no idea what my teacher is saying.
I buy blocks of cheese.
For the grater good.
HEADLINE: Recent Studies Show Old White Dudes Possibly Becoming Obsolete. “This is bad for everybody,” say Old White Dudes.
First of all the thin slices you eat to straighten up the cake don’t count
I work hard so that the possum that lives in my garage can have a better childhood than I did
When someone you don’t like is eating them, chips sound like 1000 asteroids smashing into the polar ice caps.
vader: i am your father!
luke: so you’re the deadbeat who left us for cigarettes
vader: search your feelin- wait, what? cigarettes?
luke: don’t deny it. now you wear that dumb mask and talk like a robot because you smoked so much
vader: i swear, i nev-
luke: you make me sick
My mom used to beat me with a camera.
I still get flashbacks.
Nobody loves a thunderstorm more than a teenager who promised to mow the lawn today.
“Go Paperless!” they tell you on a full extra sheet of paper.
I didn’t really mind the voices in my head until one of them started their own podcast
I played monopoly with 10 and I told him he wasted all his money on 3 properties for hotels no one would probably land on.
Then I landed on it and he bankrupted me. Too bad he’s gotta sleep outside tonight.
Despite my rock and roll lifestyle, I’m pretty sure I’m going to die via punctured gums from a tortilla chip.
I’m sorry you didn’t find out that the Applebee’s gift card I gave you for your birthday doesn’t work until after you ate. I found out the hard way too.
Everyone is thinking about who they’ll kiss at midnight, and all I can think about is meatballs.
My headphones have been pausing to say “battery low” every 2 minutes for the past hour. This is how music is meant to be enjoyed.
Drive thru service was invented for those of us who don’t have the energy to look presentable at 6 in the morning but need that coffee.
I’m so sorry dunkin donuts drive thru window worker.
If you’re not going to learn the language of the country you’re visiting, at least take interpretive dance lessons.
mortician: can you come ID the body
wife: what’s it wearing
mortician: just a pair of dress jorts
wife: anything in the pocket
mortician: chicken nugg-
wife: that’s him
I heard that, by law, you are required to turn on your headlights when it’s raining in Sweden.
How am I supposed to know if it’s raining in Sweden?
You know that episode of Friends where Joey tries to speak French? That’s what I hear when watching the State of the Union Address
There was a pretty girl in the produce section so to impress her I bought a mango
Me: Green please
God: All goneMe: Hazel then
God: Also goneMe: Blue
God: GoneMe: Whatever, just make them big
God: DoneMe: *looks down* I meant my eyes, you dummy
[someone breaks into the house]
Your dog: I will protect my family and our belongings
My dog: OMG OMG NEW FRIENDS HI I LOVE YOU LETS PLAY
I just asked my kids to jump into a bubbling magma pit.
Just kidding, I asked them to eat the dinner I cooked for them, but their reaction fits that magma scenario
Why is it the only thing a woman wants out of a man these days is security?
Well it’s the first thing they say when I approach them.
I like to do laundry in stages. For example, right now I’m in denial that I should be doing laundry.