The first rule of Illiteracy Club is no reading. That was a test, and you failed. You’re failing now. You’re not welcome in Illiteracy Club.
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greetings!
Please hide my job in a piece of cheese or a spoonful of peanut butter
Just told my kid her freckles are kisses from angels and she said freckles are actually clusters of concentrated melanin. THANKS NICK JR. 馃檨
Daylight Saving Time starts this evening, turn your clocks forward and change smoke alarm batteries before going to bed tonight.
prisoner: “i broke a guy’s face in 18 places, what you in for?”
[flashback to me stealing a duck from the pond]
me: “9/11”
6: I say “yes ma’am” and “no ma’am” to my teacher
Me: You sure didn’t learn those great manners from me. Where’d you learn that?
6: Chick-fil-A
They:’What doesn’t kill you..’
Me:’I don’t want to be stronger.’
good morning, this is your captain speaking. my parents made sure that from a young age i understood that there are things worse than death.
Went on ChristianMingle .com and kept asking myself, “Who Would Jesus Do”?
[at recycling center]
Me: *unloads 46 bags of crushed aluminum cans*
Cashier: Wow! *hands me $1*
Marriage counsellor: What’s the problem?
Wife: He is so literal. It drives me mad.
MC: And how do you feel, Stephen?
Me: With my hands.
I鈥檝e been dressing all the chipmunks in my neighborhood up as lil miners but their tiny headlamps are making it too easy for owls to spot them this is a nightmare
If you steal piles of leaves from someone else鈥檚 yard it鈥檚 called grand theft autumn.
So you better just leaf it right there. 馃槑馃崅
Me: I鈥檓 pregnant
Him: oh no
Me: with emotion
Him: oh, whew
Me: because there鈥檚 a baby inside me
[Cocktail bar]
WAITER: Ok, what are you having?DATE: The worst night of my life
ME: [scanning menu] haha what a name to give a cocktail
Not saying you’re shady but there is a family of squirrels gathered around your ankles.
Top Four Signs of Job Security:
4. Promotions and raises
3. Specialized skills
2. Top producer
1. Compromising photos of the boss
me: time for sleep 馃檪
my brain: WHAT IS THE NOG IN EGG NOG??
[inventing chalk]
We want something that young children can use to play and learn with, but we also need to be able to outline dead bodies.
This is a sub tweet
GYM INSTRUCTOR: …and over here are the free weights.
ME: *shoving weights in my pockets* Fantastic.
Bad Cop: The proof is in the pudding.
Good Cop: Stop putting all our evidence in pudding. Why do you keep putting our evidence in pudding?
Whatever doesn’t kill you wakes you up at 5:00 AM on Sunday.
I can鈥檛 stop canceling dates. it feels incredible. this guy thought he was gonna find out how many siblings I have and now that mystery will follow him to his grave
My kid gave me 75 cents for being her mom, so either we need to work on math or I’m a really shitty parent
Whenever someone else takes a pic of me I like to make sure both my hands are showing so it doesn’t scream selfie like my selfies do.
ME [groggily regains consciousness] what happened?
DOCTOR: You did a wheelie [replaces pen lid] on a unicycle
Him: you have 3 Starbucks coffees in your car?
Me: one’s for you
Him: and the other one?
Me: *remembering that I wanted to try a new flavor but also got my usual in case I don’t like it* I’m having an affair.
13: Dad, do you believe in miracles?
Me: Do you remember spray painting my car?
13: yeah
M: Are you breathing?
13: yeah
M: Well, there ya go
In order for us to go on vacation we need to start by unpacking from our last vacation.