@asimplesean: The first rule of Illiteracy Club is no reading. That was a test, and you failed. You're failing now. You're not welcome in Illiteracy Club.
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@jharden21: Me as a news anchor: an explosion at a nearby t-shirt warehouse resulted in thousands of *turns head to other camera* casual tee casualties
@HatfieldAnne: The orthodontist says I'm doing a “super job” wearing my retainers. All this really means is that I'm able to put things in my mouth.
@CDMEclairs: Angry Birds for Olympics: Instead of hitting two birds with one stone, here you can hit two stones with one bird.