the first rule of micromanager club is…here, i’ll just show u
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Am I pissed my dad’s been gone for 25 years going to the store for “cigarettes”? Probably not as pissed as he is. The line must be out of control.
lawyer: juror number 4 why wouldn’t you be able to serve on this jury?
me: i have ice cream in my car, your excellency
ME: it’s like we never see eye to eye
MY VESTIGIAL TWIN: lol that would be super weird
My Car would not run, neighbor said it was a problem with the stringy thing..Took it to a Quantum Mechanic and he disagreed w string theory
I think Argentina is quite capable of deciding who it wants to cry for. Stop being so bossy Eva.
Sometimes I drink water to surprise my liver
Parenting makes total sense when you’re doing it but probably seems weird from the outside. My wife just hid a pair of my toddler’s pants because ‘they were too much drama’ and that explanation seemed totally reasonable to me.
Why do they call her “Grumpy Cat” and not “Sourpuss?”
Every Adele song is about lasagna.
At this point in my life, the little angel on my shoulder just says “Oh this is gonna be good…” and starts munching popcorn.
Always the person who refuses to go to the wedding.
Never the bride.
People who ignore me just haven’t learned to make the best of a bad situation.
I couldn’t be a hero in The Matrix cause agent Smith would be like “humans are a virus” and I’d be like that’s a fair point
Date: What do you do?
Me: I’m a cleptozoologist
Date: That’s interest…wait, what??
Me: *is already stealing lobsters from the tank*
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Shhh!-Librarians arguing
Imagine coming back to life as a zombie but someone tied your shoes together before you were buried.
Server: Everything ok over here?
Me: Yes, thank you.*2 minutes later*
Server: Still doing ok?
Me: Things have taken a dark turn I fear.
Okay back to it and remember, you can’t say anger without saying grrrr
Elmo: Elmo says this just him coping
Oscar: I don’t care, it’s morbid and- oh hey Bert
Bert: Ahem *nods to jar under arm*
Oscar: Hey Urn-ie
[waving hands and chasing down ice cream truck] Hey!
“What’ll it be?”
[out of breath] Nothing. Just wanted to tell you I’m vegan
Fun Fact:
The human brain isn’t able to register typos or grammar errors until after hitting teh Send button.
I just called my boss and told him I have explosive diarrhea. It’s my day off, but I like to keep him informed.
My welcome mat says, “Oh shit! Not you again!”
Egg nog was invented in Germany back in 1816 when Baron Von Heldebrandt reportedly said “Hey guys, let’s get this custard drunk!”
Police: THIS IS THE POLICE! OPEN YOUR DOOR NOW!!!!!!
Me: Not with that attitude.
We got a dusting of snow here in Michigan. Or as people south of Ohio refer to it: “Death Blizzard 2017.”
“I saw mommy kissing santa claus” has the same number of syllables as “I saw someone die at Disney World.” Life’s funny like that.
I’m praying for you…
So if a bird shits on your car right after you wash it…
That’s from me
and to my great grandchildren i leave 42,567 screenshots
Neo is 57-years-old he’s definitely taking the blue pills.