The first rule of Mormon fight flub is go door to door talking about Mormon fight club .
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me: are you ready for halloween?
friend: yes!
me: omg your haunted ghost monkey is so realistic
friend: that’s my newborn baby *bursts into tears*
[Zoom call]
Boss: What do you think?
Me: [going to the bathroom]
Boss: Can you hear me?
Me: [getting another beer]
Boss: I think he’s on mute.
Me: [getting chips]
Boss: Hello?
Me: sorry I was on mute
COMPUTER: HINT: name of best friend
ME: Jen
C: Jen sounds nice
M: Wh-what?
C: Is Jen single?
M: Uh…
C: Answer the question. Is Jen single?
told my boyfriend I was going to start my period and he said, “AGAIN??”
it’s like, you know what, you’re right, I’m cancelling my subscription.
Dating is just deciding if you like a person more than being lonely, then choosing wrong.
*secretly fills your birthday piñata with hornets*
You had me at “she’s the one,” but lost me at “officer.”
Sorry Taco Bell, but I came up with the Naked Chicken Chalupa before you did. Well actually Ambien did & I’m still banned from Taco Bell.
WHAT are birds so happy about at 7am? What? Oh, right. Pooping while airborne. Good one.
[freezing huddled around fire]
Dont worry I brought blankets to keep us warm *throws blankets on fire* that should last a good half hour
Sometimes my memory is not quite as good as my forgettery.
[drops phone in toilet]
MY FRIENDS!
“I’m taking condiments in a bold new direction” I whisper as I squeeze a tube of toothpaste on my hot dog. The dentists all cheer for me.
You aren’t a real Metallica fan unless you hate all but 2 of their albums
a solar eclipse and a tree is like “aw man I was eating that”
My dad is Jamaican and my mum is Iranian, which meant that we spent most of our family holidays in Customs.
Verizon: congrats you get a free phone if you spend $300 for a charger and $30 for a set up fee and $50 for a phone case and $500 for us to not be rude to you.
Police found the neighbourhood paedophile shot in the head 27 times. Authorities ruled it the worst case of suicide in a decade.
I told my therapist I was afraid of spontaneously combusting, so she prescribed me an anti-inflammatory.
My Comcast internet goes down so often that it’s started an OnlyFans account.
That feeling of relief when you hear your phone vibrate thinking it’s the alarm for work but it’s actually just your spouse snoring
I don’t understand people who punch walls. “I’m so mad, I want to spend all day tomorrow plastering over the hole I’m about to make.”
My coworkers have such cute nicknames for me, like “The one who eats all the donuts” and “Don’t tell her there’s pizza in the kitchen”.
I ordered a high powered magnet (1000+lbs) and I think it may have gotten stuck to the delivery truck.
I watched squirrels for like an hour and thought “they don’t do ANYTHING really” and then realized I watched squirrels for like an hour
Me when I get ten emails in a minute at work
I want to be featured on the news and the caption below me to read *unintelligible screaming*.
My stalker twisted his ankle, so now I have to walk slower for 2-3 weeks.
Me: You wanna know how I got these scars??
Batman: no, not really-
Me: *slamming my fist on the table* ACNE
Why do people say its not you… it’s me in a breakup? Yeah it’s YOU, you’re an idiot! I’m amazing… ask your brother!