The first rule of Running Late Club is get stuck behind a Prius.
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I can only assume that when realtors list a “modest home,” that means it is a house that has never once worn leggings or yoga pants
How old were you when you learned Red Velvet is a type of chocolate cake…?
I was today years old.
1 year ago today, the world ended. RIP everyone.
We’ve known each other for a while now and we both feel a deep connection. I think we’re ready to take this to the next level. Tonight I’m going to explain the metric system to you.
Responding to a question from your wife with interpretive dance tends to raise more questions than it answers.
Based on a tumblr post by fartgallery!
Her: I think my boyfriend’s cheating.
Friend: Oh no! Why do you say that?
Her: He’s passing his exams but he never studies.
An interrogator that just goes into the room and loudly eats a peach until the suspect confesses to everything.
The banking industry gave me unrealistic expectations that it was ok to fail
Me: people who betray you need to know that they make us incapable of trusting again
My mum: it was one mango that was bad of the lot! Just let the vendor go!
the first time my brother got covid, he decided to shave his head and tell everyone it was one of the symptoms, which was just so wrong yet so very very funny
therapists do NOT have all the answers. like sometimes a client will be telling me something really difficult and be like “what do I do????” and in my head I’m like oh man, i don’t know……you should really see a therapist about that
Waiter *looks at empty chair opposite me* are you waiting for a friend?
Me: Yes *lowers voice* is this how you get one?
I DO NOT recommend a talking scale.
My scale: I thought you were on a diet.
One way to tell if what you’re watching isn’t really news is if the person is shouting at you.
[walks in to UPS store holding rabid raccoon]
Hi my boyfriend said he wants to take a break so I’d like to ship him this please.
there are no buff wizards in Harry Potter, no gym in Hogwarts, no-one does a push-up at any point. I could crack Ron Weasley’s spine like a glowstick
Guinea pigs aren’t real pets. You buy them when your kids are begging for a dog, but you want to make them sad instead.
Homophobia is stupid. Who the hell is afraid of homes.
Interviewer: So you were a Chernobyl tour guide?
Me: Yes, I was.
Interviewer: I see you have glowing reviews.
Me: Yeah, you might want to put those down.
[reincarnated as a giant squid at the bottom of the ocean] i did something right
The DMV is karma’s revenge for every traffic violation you’ve ever gotten away with.
Mom always said she didn’t have a favorite child, which was tough because I don’t have any brothers or sisters.
Airplanes: offering you the comforts of gas station food/drinks at popular night club prices
Me: Hey, do you wanna play Nintendo?
Dad: Actually that’s a Super Nintendo, it’s the newer version improved in practically every way.
Me Got it.
Dad: Where’s mom?
Me: Visiting Super Dad.
mugger: your money or your life
me: oh you pick
* on a date snuggling *
Me: Did you enjoy dinner?
Her: Yeah, but now I feel fat.
Me: Get your hands off my belly.
Sorry I picked up your pug and ran him in for a touchdown.
I hit a pothole so hard the woman on the radio bit her tongue
This transition of power reminds me of when my grandma turned over Thanksgiving duties to my mom and the night ended with police showing up.