The first rule of Running Late Club is get stuck behind a Prius.
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[kids fighting in the back seat]
ME: I SWEAR TO GOD I WILL PULL OVER AND START A PODCAST RIGHT NOW IF YOU 2 DON’T CUT IT OUT.
But of course I remember you!
Just not your name, or your face…
Charles Barkley sounds like a made-up name a dog would think of to get into a fancy country club.
GARDEN STORE MANAGER:
why did you just give that customer a high fiveME: he bought some dirt
GARDEN STORE MANAGER: um ok
ME: and I told him congrats on soiling himself
If my 5yo’s teacher can’t read the Thank You card he writes, that’s on her.
Interviewer: how would you describe yourself?
Me: verbally, but I’ve also prepared a dance
Bugs Bunny turns 75 today. Now when he says “What’s up, Doc?” he’s legitimately concerned.
Someone just followed me and their bio said they were born in the year 2000 and I was like, “OKAY YEAH SURE, so you’re 3?” and then I realized that the year 2000 was 19 years ago and I am an old person.
This woman named Amanda who lives above me burns her dinner nearly every night and it makes my apt smell like a fire pit so I’ve been calling her Burnie Manders behind her back to make myself feel better about it
God, I love Scotland
If money can’t buy you happiness then you’re in the wrong mall.
Me: Could we please have a cushion of time between Halloween and when the Christmas music starts playing?
All of retail: No.
[Safari hunt]
(Ok don’t tell them I’m an elephant)
*Adjusts hat and shades*
“Elephant?. Yes that way.”
*Points with trunk*
Why did I laugh so hard at this 😂
I’m not saying I killed it on the stock market today, but there’s a good chance I’m cutting up a hot dog into my Kraft Dinner tonight.
I’m such a disaster that 9/11 and The Titanic would go out on a date together and watch a movie about me.
If squirrels could talk, they’d have British accents.
paparazzi followed me 2 a shoot so I tried 2 think what I could do that would yield the most onion-ish possible headline and it worked haha
I put some fridge magnets on my fridge door and now it’s covered in fridges
Just realized the Master Card logo is a Venn diagram.
Man: Is there a doctor in the house?
Dr: I have a PHD in literature
Man: This man is having a heart attack!
Dr: Thou know’st ’tis common; all that lives must die…
Vince Vaughn supports the right to carry guns in public. So if you ever wander into 1 of his movies, you can just shoot yourself.
My dog, a descendant of the wolf, runs to me and cries when a leaf gets stuck to his paw
king: the gods are angry with us
advisor: let’s throw a virgin into the volcano
king: how would that help
advisor: [throwing stephen in] help what
Tuba = Terrible Underwater Breathing Apparatus
guy who invented the wheel: one day everyone’s going to remember my name
One time I broke up with a girl so she took my silverware divider and that’s the kind of pettiness I look for in a mate.
Home Depot is having their “ultimate tool event” in case anyone wants to buy my cousin Tyler.
Whoever said diamonds are a girl’s best friend, never owned a murdery cat.
POLICE OFFICER: “Do you know why I pulled you over?”
ME: “Because you know I love riddles.”